Two Weeks In Penang: A Chronicle Of Events

This is the story of my two weeks in Penang. Two amazing weeks. Be prepared, this story might just blow your mind

This post will have writings straight out of my journal and some entries will be followed by a ‘commentary’ so that hopefully you will know where I’m coming from. Oh and remember, most of the pictures were taken with my phone, so they are not the best quality. Here we go.

17 May 09 (Sun)
Guess what? I’ve decided to go for Imparting The Father’s Heart 2009! In Penang! It’s a totally big step of faith and trust for me, but I’m quite sure…wait…I KNOW God wants me to go. I’ve started feeling tired of serving and I just needed somewhere that I could go to get refreshed, understand him better, and this came up. Yup. Also, yesterday when my sis was telling me that the website was working and that I could go check it out and register, we were in the car, and I turned around and guess what I saw…a rainbow! A huge rainbow! You could see the whole thing! From where it started to where it ended. It was so bright, too! I keow immediately God wants me to go for this.
I don’t really have any clear reasons why I want to go for this, but I do feel that I NEED to go for this.

As you can see, I was quite excited about going to Penang. But I was very nervous, too. A lot of details hadn’t been ironed out yet at that time. I did feel a strong urgency to go for this seminar even though I didn’t see any clear reasons to go. Even then, my spiritual antennae were already picking up signals. haha

28 May 09 (Thur)
I feel like I’m at a dead end. It’s like I’ve tried every option. I don’t know what to do…I can’t seem to do something right…I’m wasting my time…can’t control myself.
I also feel like I’m trying to fit into what everyone tells me I should be…and…I’m not sure whether I can actually get fatter. Should I just accept the way I am or agree with them and try to get fatter or buffer? It hurt to talk or think about it last time but no I can face it with just some cringes. Just don’t tell me I’m anorexic.
I’m hoping ITFH (Imparting The Father’s Heart) will change my perspective. There’s definitely a hole in my heart that hasn’t been filled. I know it’s about time God filled it. I just don’t know how to let Him fill it…like, where do I start?

I became really depressed a few weeks before I left. The feeling of trying and trying but still failing really got to me. It was like a rope’s end for me. Even ITFH didn’t seem like it was going to work, because I’ve been to enough conferences and seminars to know that you go back to the same after a few weeks. I didn’t know at that time that ITFH wasn’t just ANY seminar.

6 June 09 (Sat)
9.34am
Sunglasses? Check. Earphones? Check. Pen and notebook? Right here. Roadtrip!
We’ve just left the house for our drive to Penang. And I’m nervous. Of course I’m nervous. I’m going to be meeting new people, wearing only one layer of clothing, and most of all, staying in a hotel by myself! Plus, I have a plaster on my nose. Don’t ask me how it got there.
But despite all thses, I’m excited for what God is going to do. He’s already surprised me with providing safe transport back. I know He’s got LOADS of surprises in store. It’s just the trusting that’s scary. Suuuuper scary. I’m not the kind of person that’s chinchai la, anything will do. I need to know what’s going to happn, why it’s going to happen, when it’s going to happen, how it’s going to happen and blah blah blah. So this trusting thing will be a test of a faith in what God can do.
You’ve brought me this far, God. Don’t fail me now. I know You won’t.

Getting transport back to KL was something of a worry for me. I didn’t mind taking a bus back, but it was going to probably take 5 hours to come back. And the we would have to buy a ticket and I would have to find transport to the bus station and stuff like that. It was such a worry for me. Then one day my dad came back from work and told us a there was a course in Penang coming up and it was from 18-20 June! It ended right on the same day as my seminar! We were all shocked. First of all, my dad NEVER goes to Penang for business stuff. It just doesn’t happen. And of all days, right at the end of my seminar! We all knew it had to be God. And the thing was, my dad was going to be flying to Penang, so that meant that I was flying back, too! So cool…Yeah so when I realized that God was actually IN this, I knew that He had everything planned out with cool stuff just waiting to come my way.

1.35pm
It’s me again. After stopping at a chaotic shop in Ipoh for lunch, I’m full. But my stomach feels other things, too. For one, I’m getting butterflies every so often. Every turn of the wheel is bringing me closer to Penang, and I can’t help feeling fearful of what might happen. But, weird as it may sound, God’s peace has seemed to have taken over my viscera. No more feal of people. no more fear of people staring at my plaster-covered nose. Yes, it’s that peace–the one that surpasses all understanding, ALL understanding. God is awesome.
Pulau Pinang – 140km–that’s what the sign says. Man, we’re getting closer. Can you feel it? The excitement, that is. God has so much in store for me. Can’t wait. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go practice my rubik’s cube while Matt Wertz tells me it’s 5:19. Now that I think of it, he never says pm or am.

(Didn’t write the time for the following entries)

- Guess what? The Penang bridge is jammed. No surprise…

- Going onto the bridge is chaos! Cutting here, cutting there. Crazy mess.

- Ok we’re officially on the bridge. And…the sea is grey. Is it dirty or what? Greyish brown…blechk…

- Somehow, I don’t have anything to say. Peace has settled my troubled heart. Yeah man, this is real peace. Forget doves, two fingers, that sign that looks like the Mercedes logo, forget it. This peace rules.

- And…we’re in Penang! Man I love this plae. So clean and green and fresh. Haha I have such a good feeling about this. Now I’m just so excited for what God is going to do. I realize that if I keep thinkking about what might happen or ‘rehearsing’ things through my mind, I end up worrying. So now I’m just going to take things as they come. No pre-thinking, no rehearsing. Just doing it as it comes.
Basically, what I meant that I was just going to trust God to provide security and peace and make everything work out fine. Which He did…in His own timing =D

- Just arrived at the hotel. And it is suuuper close to the school where the seminar will be held, like a 3-5 min walk. And it’s on the same side of the road. Yay
The hotel looks cool. Dad is still checking in. Hopefully the room is nice.
Just to clear things up, the seminar was held in an international school. Accomodation wasn’t included in the fee, so I was staying in the hotel.

- Ooo wow the room is nice…of course it’s not perfect…the tap leaks, the toilet seat is broken, there are weird quares in the ceiling, and the cupboard doors are loose, but who cares? I actually like it here. In fact, the view from this room is beautiful. I actually just saw someone parachuting across. The view is looks out into the sea. On the right, there’s a small rocky island with a lighthouse and on the left is more buildings…and the sunset. But mostly, it’s just the sea. Unobstructed view of the sea. I’m a little hungry though. Wonder when we’re gonna eat. =P

This was the room in which we stayed one night. We later checked into the room that I actually stayed in for the two weeks. Until now, I still have no idea why we did it that way. hahaha

10.30pm
We went to this Teocheow restaurant for dinner.When we got there, there wasn’t anyone. No one at all…I thought maybe the restaurant wasn’t really popular. Then I realized that 4 out of the 7 tables that were inside the air-cond room were reserved! Within minutes of our food arriving, people starting coming in and the restaurant was full of people! This elderly couple came in wanting a table but after being told there were no tables and that they had to take a table outside, they started arguing with each other. When we went out after we finished eating, we saw them sitting at opposite ends of the table, facing away from each other, with huge scowls plastered all over their faces. “They need God,” I thought
Looking up, I saw a full moon. Well, not really full. But it was nearly full. Full moons on a clear night have always meant something for my family.
We dropped by Gurney Plaza to buy some stuff and then came back. Found out the Internet use in the hotel costs RM 6 per 1/2 hour and RM10 per hour. No thanks.
My nose is hurting now. When we came back just now, I opened the plaster on my nose and saw a huge swelling of pus. Mum said it needed to come out. So she helped me squeeze it out while I ate koay ling kou. I found out then that koay ling kou actually not made out of turtle.
Hopefully my nose heals well. Tomorrow evening is the registration for the seminar. I’ll be meeting the other participants, too. A bit nervous, but I’ll be fine. Trusting God…
Time to sleep. Gnite.

7 June o9 (Sun)
7.45am
Today is the big day! Yesterday night, I was reading 1 Cor 12. Paul had a thorn and he asked God to take it away. He never mentions what it is, but I feel like I can relate. I feel like I have a thorn, a scar, something that is holding me back from greater things. I’ve asked God “why why why” and just like Paul, God’s answer is –My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness-. Wow His power made perfect in my weakness? Jump to the end of verse 10, “For when I’m weak, then I’m strong.” I remembered then, how I was so nervous about people staring at my plaster-covered nose when we stopped at Ipoh. But because of my fear, I forced myself to not care. I became stronger. Now I totally don’t care. So you see, when I’m week, I’m strong. It doesn’t make sense when we think with human minds. But with God’s thinking, it makes perfect sense. And God’s power is shown through every insult, persecution, hardship, diffiulty, thats what the Bible says. How does that work? Simple. Through the way we respond. God’s power can be manifested so mightily just through the way we respond to difficult situations. The world won’t understand, because they react. But God’s power is made perfect in our weakness and we respond with God’s love joy peace and everything beside and in between. His power can be shown when He takes over our viscera and peace calms our butterflies. His power can be shown when we show love to people who seem unlovable. His power can be shown when we bubble over with joy even in trying times. We just need to trust God that He can do that work in us. If you ask Him for it and believe that you’ll receive it, do you think He will disappoint?

It was such a cool revelation for me then. But in retrospect, I see a major piece missing. The understanding of the Father’s heart was still something that I had not yet grasped. Reading it now, it looks kinda off-track. hahahaha

9.45am
I’ve been given restrictions on my diet. Not much I can eat at breakfast buffet. We’re going to church soon.

10.16am
You know, I was thinking…God will never put you in a position or situation that you can’t handle right? He knows I can’t handle having to find transport for myself or looking for my own meals, so He provides it. But, He doesn’t provide everything, so I still have to trust Him. But He has faith in me that I’ll be able to have enough faith in Him, which is a very nice thought, isn’t it? He’s actually like giving me a situation and saying, “Here, I know you can handle this. But I know you can’t handle those, so I took care of it.” It fells nice to know God believes in me. Ok we’re reaching the church now. Might meet some people I know. Toodles!

10.20am
False alarm…still cannot find the church. Trying again.

We found the church in the end lol…

1.21pm
Wow…what a sermon. Amazing sermon. Of all things, the speaker talks about homosexuality. So timely for me. If you didn’t already know, I’ve struggling with that and have always been wondering whether there was anyone that had grace for people like these but still stuck to the truth of the Word. And there it is…the speaker spoke of his church in San Fran where he welcomed the gay community but gave them time to discover the truth for themselves. It is nice to know that there are people and churches like that.
He also mentioned that in his church, he found 3 kinds of gay people: those who were living the gay lifestyle, those that were still struggling with it, and those that had already decided to put it behind them forever. Of all three, I guess I fit into the last one. Then he said something like — I admire and respect the courage of those who have decided that don’t want that lifestyle because most of the time, they have decided a life of celibacy. :O It’s not the celibacy part that’s important. It’s the courage. I’ve always thought that people who have made decisions in these situations were courageous. It’s nice to know that some people recognize that. Time for lunch.

Yeah…that sermon was a major encouragement for me. It felt so God. Like the whole situation was God’s doing. I mean, why would a speaker speak about homosexuality for half of his sermon? But it was exactly what I needed. I had been struggling with that problem for so long. A few weeks before the seminar, I decided that I didn’t want that lifestyle anymore. I knew going for the seminar would help me turn over a new leaf. Well, the seminar helped so much more. It helped me understand WHY it happened. As you will see…

2.03pm
Just ate koay teow teng and some char koay teow at a small stall beside the road. lol…

I don’t know why. I’m getting more and more nervous about this weekend and next week coz of arrangements. Not sure what I’m gonna be doing. Waiting to check into my room, the one that I’ll actually be staying in these two weeks. I hear it’s on the 17th floor. *raise and lower eyebrows*

The reason why I was getting so worried was because there was a weekend break between the two weeks. Saturday we had the afternoon off, Sunday and Monday were off, and Tuesday would resume the seminar again. I didn’t know what I was going to do during those days. Actually, He had everything planned out already. I didn’t even need to worry. Hahaha

2.26pm
I love my room. Wheeee….yup my room is cozy. How everything is provided for is amazing. My dad had to pay for the first week first becase the final payment was too big to pay at once. I saw my dad take out bill after bill until there was a stack of fifties on the counter. :O
Guess what number my room is. 1702…hahha…it’s like 17 again. 17 the second time. lol…it’s sounds so prophetic. Like I’m being given a second chance at being 17. You know what, I actally like this room better than the last one. It’s smaller…but cozier. The view is a little obstructed by this residential condo, but I don’t care.  I can still see the sea.
I tried out the safe. Cool. I’m keeping some money inside.
Okay I’m really trusting God now. Whatever meals, whatever transport, I won’t sweat it.

3.33pm
You know what, I think this room is better. The tap doesn’t leak, the toilet seat is not broken, there aren’t any weird squares in the ceiling and the cupboard doors aren’t loose. In 1 hour registration starts. I need a nap.

4.48pm
Time to go for registration. Getting nervous. Calm down…

6.00pm
Registration was okay. They printed my name wrongly. Lester Song -.- So I have a written name tag. I see some people who went to DTS with Eunice. Oh and of course Jon is here. (Jonathan was someone I had met before in a King’s Kids last year) Dinner should be soon. But I’m not hungry.

10.00pm
Ok I WAS hungry. They did a miscalculation of food and there wans’t really enough for everybody. I felt quite hungry by 8pm. hahaha so we had our first session. It was like an introduction. but it was already so deep! I just need to open my heart as big as I can and let God flow in. That’s what James Jordan the speaker said. I kinda have this weird peace within me. Like, God is just going to be wth me. I don’t have to worry.

10.41pm
Tonight daddy and mummy are still with me, so it’s okay. Tomorrow will be the real test. Long day tomorrow. Better sleep.

8 June 09 (Mon)
8.07am
Today will be the long day. The first long day. And mummy and daddy will be leaving today. Anyway, I had a horrible dream. It kinda is like two steps back you know? Just erases everything you had. Still, I must remember–my grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in your weakness.
You know, yesterday, Melanie told Nicklos, a big Sabahan guy I’ve bet mefore, that I was staying alone at the Copthorne Hotel, and he said, “Wah! So brave!” hahaha okaaayyyy….

11.22am
Just finished teabreak. Trevor (one of the speakers) was speaking just now. He talked about how sometimes we get stuck on getting to know just Jesus and not the Father. Jesus’ main goal was to bring us to the Father but we forget that so many times. Also, it wasn’t common for people to refer to God as ‘Father’ during Jesus’ time, so when Jesus brought it up so early in His teaching, people were probably shocked.
The people here are really nice. As in, the team that is serving/staffing this seminar.

1.55pm
Lunch just over. The meat today was grilled fish. Yum. The teaching just now was really good. All the revelation James was imparting was amazing. I think the part that really got me was when he said, when we are in the Father’s love, we won’t care what others think of us. Because God, Almighty God, is loving us! Why do we need to be afraid? Also, once we experience the Father’s love and live in it, we automatically become Christians that we ought to be. We don’t have to strive. The Father’s Heart is the foundation of every teaching of Christianity. He also said that when we are in His love, we won’t worry. It will be hard to worry. Because we can’t help but know that He is taking care of us and WILL take care of us. Fore me, I’ve been worrying so much recently about what I’m gonna do during my free time (Sun and Mon) and this guy I just met told me that he’ll be happy to take me around Penang if I want. Haha I don’t have anything to worry about. Seriously. Yesterday, Rick and Melanie told me if I need anything, I can call them. How nice of them, considering that they are so busy. We still have half an hour til sessions start again.

5.27pm
Wow the soaking session was really weird. Ok it wasn’t weird, it was cool…I can’t describe it. Soaking sessions does different things to different people. I think I fell asleep, I’m not sure. But something did happen. A stirring, an awakening within me. It felt…so outerworldly. Suddenly there’s this longing for Him, ready for Him to fill. I think I’ve tried to block it and close it so it wouldn’t hurt and now it’s open. It hurts, of course, but it has to open before it can be filled. Wow. It was so weird! But so cool…like He took me out of here. Just brought me to who know’s where. Like a deep deep sleep. Really nice.

I was quite obviously stunned and shakened by what happened during the soaking session, I couldn’t explain it. I think it’s something that is not meant to be explained. Coz human minds can’t understand things of the spiritual. But it was really weird and really cool.

6.28pm
Dinner’s just over. You know what, they said that there was a change in schedule for Thurs. Instead of the class going all the way until night, it will end at lunch and the evening will be free time. Because some people might not have the means to go around Penang looking for their dinner, they will be providing packed dinners during lunch for those people to pick up on that day. However, you need to sign up. And since I fit all those criteria, I told myself that I should sign up. But…I didn’t really feel like I should. Didn’t feel the peace. But I banished that thought. I needed dinner for Thurs. Anyway I put a pin on it. Then after the soaking session, I asked God again, should I sign up? And immediately NO! I could feel it so clear. No? Okay God. I won’t sign up. What am I going to do about dinner then? Don’t worry about it.
But despite hearing God so clearly, I still went to look at the list, look at how many people had signed up already, just hang around where the list was. But as I moved closer to the list, I felt this deep discomfort in me, like a deep discord. As I moved away from the list, I felt this overwhelming peace come over me. So weird.
Anyway, during dinner I was sitting across Alex and he asked me, “Do you wanna go out on Thurs night?” I’m like yeah! but I didn’t say that lah. I just looked surprised and said why not? And guess what…he is bringing another guy too and that guy is one of the team serving and Alex is not someone I can immediately relate to, so having someone else there will be good. Cool!

I feel so bad even writing this now. I was so blinded by judgment, I could only see what was and not what could be. Haih…

9.17pm
Back in my hotel room. Sigh…happy sigh, not sad emo sigh…He’s awesome. The teaching is so awesome. It’s so little of imparting knowledge and so much of imparting His LOVE. This whole process has already been so awesome and it’s only the beginning! Trusting God and all that stuff took so much faith but His timing is perfect. The time when I needed Him being there, He was SO revealed to me. It’s like talking to myself or my imaginary friend but He answers back! The greatest friend I could EVER have. So awesome. Can’t wait to see and, more importantly, FEEL more of Him.

That night when I got back, I was expecting a lonely night, because my parents had gone back. But I could feel His love with me and even as I opened the door of my room, all the fear just got squashed. I showered and had conversations with Him. I laid in bed and talked about the day with Him. I WANTED to read His Word and I understood what I was reading! It was amazing. The longing that He opened up was for Him to fill. And when He filled it, I felt whole. His timing was seriously perfect.

9 June 09 (Tues)
6.45pm
Love woke me up this morning. Really.
Yesterday, I went to sleep the happiest I’ve ever been.  Somehow, something clicked. I felt His presence. He was right there with me. I was talking to Him. He was talking to me. It was awesome. I was right there curled up in His arms, having the time of my life. I know this is what I’ve been looking for, what I’ve been missing. The sunrise, as usual — beautiful and amazing. God always amazes me. He is ALWAYS at work.

9.17am
I’m in the school chapel now. Walked over from my hotel early. So I reached 15 min before is starts. Cool. My eyes are a bit tired but if God wants to wake me up at 6.30 and wakes me jup until I cannot sleep, then I know He will give me strength and alertness. It’s hard now to talk about Him in third person. Talking straight to Him seems so natural now.

1.48pm
Ooo wow…James’ teaching just now was awesome. He did this forgiving thing. Fathers and mothers forgiving thing. It was really powerful. Releasing our parents, canceling the debt they owe us. Coz people who have hurt us owe us something and forgiving them means canceling that debt. It was so freeing.
Btw, Alex is so nice. He brought a sleeping bag for me! Aaww…Also, just now I sat beside this man for lunch. Met him at the hotel. He’s staying there, too. And I think I had the most easiest
Now I feel like I can talk to anyone…no problems. Let’s hope not anymore. convo I’ve ever had with an adult! It was amazing! Haha I think I talked too much. =X Haha but he’s so nice, too.

The reason why he brought a sleeping bag for me was because of the soaking sessions and resting times. He didn’t want me to lie down on the ground. I still think that was super nice of him, considering he just met me!

6.41pm
Dinner was chicken rice. But now how you think it is. The rice was oily rice, yes, but it wasn’t all packed into styrofoan boxes, no. The chicken were big pieces and it was buffet style. Nice chicken. Yum.

11.46pm
I still can’t believe God loves me the way I am. It’s true! I don’t have to change! He MADE me this way. If people want me to get fatter, it’s THEIR problem. Cool! His love for me is being slowly revealed to me. I’ve never really understood why some people are so passionate for God. Now I do. This is stuff people can give their lives for! And they have no problems with it! Because they have eternity to live with Father!
Time to sleep. Zzzzzz

Maybe I was too excited or something. I didn’t realize something was missing from my hotel room.

10 June 09 (Wed)
7.06am
Wow…sunrise…beautiful again. He is so creative! Like…yesterday’s theme was brilliance…strong streaks of shining orange with stretches of pink cirrus high above. I remember coming back from breakfast and the sea and sky were completely shaded together! The most perfect shading ever! The part where the sea and sky came together was this brilliant glorious white and it was so bright I couldn’t look straight at it. It looked like the sea went on forever.
Today…it’s tranquility. Pink-orange painted across and grey whooshy clouds stretched over. Silhouetted against white. Just so hard to describe. It’s beautiful.
I had a weird dream. I was at some conference or something, there were quite a lot of people. My parents arrived and they had some news for me. They said I had won a scholarship! Hahaha so funny.
I’m still trying to process everything that has been taught. It’s been a lot of teaching.

The sea and sky shaded together

8.3oam
Back from breakfast.
I’ve been learning about how God loves just the way we are. Well, you know, my body shape, my face, God loves it all. Accepting that God loves my body shape was hard though. I was being told over and over again that I was thin until I thought it didn’t hurt anymore. But it still did. I had just suppressed it, sealed it, and never let it hurt again…but it still did.
Yesterday as I got ready to take my shower, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, naked. I quickly pulled the shower curtain across because I couldn’t bear to see my skinny self. I immediately felt God saying — ‘why are you so ashamed of yourself? There’s nothing to be ashamed of! Pull back the curtain and look at yourself again’. I reluctantly pulled back the curtain to reveal my skeleton-like body. Ugly, I thought. But then He said, “Look at my creation. What I created is beautiful. You ARE beautiful’. I stared at myself in the mirror, scrawny, gaunt and ugly. But He saw beauty. I don’t know how, but he did. If anything, this is just one of the things that show how amazing God’s love is. The world doesn’t understand it. Only one type of body is beautiful. But what God has created is beautiful and nothing God created is ugly. Nothing.
Today, I was getting ready for breakfast when I realized that my hair gel was gone. Strange, I thought. I looked all over the room, I looked in my bag, I couldn’t find it. My initial reaction was to panic. “What am I gonna do about my hair now?!” I looked in the mirror and realized my hair was quite short, didn’t really need gel. My second reaction was, “Someone stole it! Must be the cleaner!” I started to get angry. You see, that particular hair gell was a new one my mum had bought, so it was precious to me. Not to mention, Gatsby is considered expensive. But then I calmed down and forgave the cleaner for stealing it. I still felt abit angry though. Haha
After breakfast, I looked in the mirror again and God as saying, “Everything about you is beautiful…even your hair.” Oooohhh God wanted to show me that not only was my body and face beautiful, my hair was beautiful too and I shouldn’t try to change it. Buut he knew how dependent I was on hair gel so He had to take it away. He was challenging me to go through the whole day outside without gel in my hair and I am taking up that challenge. My hair is beautiful and I can live without hair gel. Period.
As I am writing, God has done it again. The shading, that beautiful shading, He’s done it again. The sea and sky merge into one. It is sooooo beautiful. Just wow…

9.23am
I just realized it. God took away my hair gel and taught me not only beauty but forgiveness! I’m canceling the debt, I don’t need the hair gel back. I’ve lost something but I’m canceling the debt. Cool. Practical lesson of BOTH subjects taught yesterday. I’m not even going to ask for it back. I’ll just go buy a new one.

I had actually thought of going to the receptionist and lodge a complain about my stolen hair gel. But at the lift, I met a couple who were participants in the seminar too, so while talking to them, I walked past the reception without asking anything.
I did ask about the hair gel a day later, though, just so the hotel staff knew about it. It was for the good of the hotel and the good of other people staying at the hotel. I never got it back. But by then, I didn’t expect it to return at all. I understood REAL forgiveness through that.

1.38pm
Lunch over. Baked buns and potatoes and chicken.
Cliff is such a cute man. He’s so old and so nice. He said to be during teabreak, “Lester? What a nice name.” I should have said something back said that his name is nice, too (I like his name) but I couldn’t. I could just laugh and smile at him. I think only 2 or 3 people have ever said that my name is nice. Sometimes I wished I had a different name. People always teased me with ‘molester’ and it cut so deep whenever I got hurt by it. I had suppressed and sealed that hurt, too. Anyway, it was nice to hear that.
James’ teaching session just now was so good! It’s like so so good. He shared what happened between him and his dad. That story is soooo powerful. So powerful. People started crying just hearing him tell it.

4.20pm
Lunchbreak over. I’m feeling really lonely and sad. Wondering whether it’s those uncomfortable-ness that James talked about. Mustn’t run though, he said.

6.36pm
Dinner was rendang. Yum yum.
Trevor talked about the orphan child and I think he did it really well. Really good ‘unpacking’ as Nora said. (Nora is someone I had met before at a King’s Kids’ in 2003). It really made sense, even though it was such a vague subject. I made sense to me. Coz I was feeling so lonely. We had some time to talk to God and let Him come into our hearts. Then suddenly people started laughing. Of course at first I was like, why you laughing?! I’m having my time with God! But then I felt God calling me over, calling me over to play. So I guess I followed. And I did start laughing. I didn’t know why I was laughing. At first I was laughing at the people laughing because they laughed so funnily. But soon I was laughing, too. A majority of the people were just looking on, though. It was really funny. Just laughing and laughing. Mine was more of just giggling but some people were howling with laughter, rolling on the floor, hugging their stomachs, just laughing. Hahaha

11 June 09 (Thurs)
7.03am
The sea looked restless today. My heart is restless, too. I don’t know why. Maybe God is uncovering some things within me and I’m not used to it being exposed. So used to hiding and covering. I realized I have so much of an orphan child. A lot of orphan child.

8.33am
I dunno how God works. But He definitely works wonderfully. My heart felt just so broken and it broke even more during breakfast. But He reminded me of a verse He gave me a few days ago. 2 Cor 4:17. For our light and memorable momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. Then I realized that, yeah, my troubles were light and momentary. And I should be thankful that they are achieving an eternal glory for me!
So I asked God, “What are my troubles like to You?” and He leaned closer to me and said, “Light and momentary.” Hahaha God has a sense of humour. But it is true that our troubles are big to us. However, once we have God’s perspective on things, it becomes light and momentary. It’s not GOD’s perspective.
Yesterday night, Father was speaking to me while I was falling asleep and He said something really funny, “You can’t love me like you want to, until you can relate to me like I relate to you.” I was like huh?! How to relate to you?! You’re God! Then He said Romans 4:24. I looked it up. At first it didn’t make much sense, but then I understood. The verses talk about Abraham and his unwavering belief in God and His promises. Because of that belief, God credited righteousness to him. I know now that my relating to God is holding on to His promises of His love even when I do not feel Him. He has waited for me for so long and now it’s my turn. It’s not that it’s cruel, it’s just His love. He wants me to learn to belief in His love and promises even in light and momentary troubles. Just as righteousness was credited to Abraham, I want this righteousness to be credited to me because I believe. And He is righteous. So if I am righteous too, we will be in full communion and unity. I do believe His love now.

9.17am
His love is surrounding me.
This two aunties asked me how old I am. Apparently they have been guessing my age. Yeah they guessed right. 16. The last thing one of them said was, “I can’t believe a young boy would want to come for something like this all alone.” Wow. I didn’t think I was being brave of anything when I came but this people apparently think so.

10.48am
Guess what God said! “I don’t want gel in your hair so I can run my hand through your hair.” Aaawww….

11.23pm
Sorry I didn’t write sooner. But straight after lunch, we went, so yeah. I had a lot of fun. Alex is REALLY nice. I’m loving him so much more now haha…I see inside now, beauty inside. I just had a lot of fun. Yeah. Waking up early again tomorrow. So I need my sleep. Gnite.

I was so tired I didn’t write what we actually did that afternoon. After lunch, we set out on our trip. There were four of us, Alex, our host, Regi, a really nice man from India serving as part of the team,  Joseph, the man I had a really nice conversation with, from Singapore, and me. So Penang took KL, Singapore and India around Penang. You could also say young adult took near fifties, early forties and teenage student around Penang. What I’m trying to say is, we were quite a diverse group.
We were not sure where we wanted to go, but one of the things needed to be done that day was–buy a handphone. That was Regi’s only request. So whatever we did, we needed to buy a handphone.
First, we stopped by the Tropical Reserve. Took a walk around. Kinda dirty. Less than an hour after we arrived, we were outta there.
Next we went to Bukit Jambul, because, according to Alex, they have the best handphone deals. The place is kinda run-down, but the handphone shop was a cool place. A lot of designs and the two guys at the shop were really friendly. I asked Regi why he needed a handphone and he said it was for his son. Ooohhh. Hahaha then he asked me what kind of phones I liked. I showed him my phone. Not the most canggih one, but still okay. In the end he chose the same model as mine. Haha.

Spot the error

After we got the phone, we went looking for sandals, coz Regi’s other request was to buy sandals. We found a place, but Regi said he didn’t really need one, even though the slippers he was wearing was wearing out! Joseph said, “That’s a father, right there.” I agreed, “He puts the wants of his child before his own needs!” We all laughed.
We left that very empty place and went to Queensbay Mall! I love Queensbay Mall. So posh and high-end. Hahaha we walked around, I bought something for my sis, Regi bought some stationary to send his dad a letter. The day before, we had all written letters to our parents, not necessarily to send, just to write out our emotions and asking for forgiveness and thanking them. Powerful stuff. For some, it needed to be sent, as was Regi’s case.
We went to eat a little bit before our dinner, which was going to be somewhere along Macalister Road, I think . Anyway, we had some cendol and stuff. Then we left and went to Ghee Hiang, to get some biscuits. Not for me, for Joseph who got some for Regi. Then we walked over to this hawker place. Ate our dinner and then went back. Yup. I had a lot of fun that day.

12 June 09 (Fri)
6.49am
I just woke up like that. Through the curtains I saw some bright colours, so I pushed it aside and saw — beautiful sunrise! It’s amazing, the creativity of God. Everyday is different. The sunrise is getting more and more beautiful as I write. The colour is slowly seeping into the clouds, giving them an underside shadow that is one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen. It is so so so pink and it’s Eunice’s birthday. Now the specks of clouds have just been infected with this bright pink. It’s turning orange now. I can’t believe it. I’m just staring at it with my mouth open.

7.03am
Okay I should say. It was this specks of gray clouds just pulled across the sky. The colours behind were pinkish and orange. Then slowly the pink started to seep in and there were pink undersides of the clouds below. The pink traveled up the clouds until finally the whole flock of grey specks were shaded with pink! Most incredible sunrise I’ve seen. The pink slowly turned into orange and then the specks started to disperse. No words can describe. It was amazing.

8.44am
Breakfast…haih…there’s a Chinese church camp going on this weekend here at Copthorne, so there’s a lot of people during breakfast. I don’t really like the crowded-ness, but it’s ok. Father can stand it, so can I.
Yesterday before lunch, James was ending the session and he asked some men to come up and join him to apologize to the women–masculinity to femininity. ALL the men started going up. I was like er…if I go up, it doesn’t really make sense, coz my femininity had been hurt so much it needed to be said sorry, too. I didn’t feel like I had anything to say sorry to femininity either coz I treasured that all the time. If anything, I need to say sorry to masculinity! But because I break so easily under peer pressure, I was ready to go out. But then God calmly said – Don’t go out -. I stopped and looked around. A few aunties mouthed to me that I didn’t need to go out. I was too young, they thought. That wasn’t my reason though. I sat back down and saw all the men go out. When they started apologizing, my heart started weeping. I didn’t know it, but my femininity had been put down so much that I always brought it up. The more it was put down, the more I brought it up. So when the men started saying sorry, it felt like the hurt I’ve had from older men and guys were healed. Not immediately, but slowly. Some women started weeping uncontrollably. I was weeping inside, deep weeping. No tears came out.
Later, Trevor came to me and told me not to feel bad that I didn’t go out. Nice of him. I should have told him then that I felt like I shouldn’t go out. But I didn’t. Shy me. Gah. I’ll tell him later.

1.48pm
I still haven’t told him. Now we’ve got a break but Trevor’s not here. The speakers are still eating lunch. I really wanna know whether the pain I keep feeling is the uncomfortable-ness that we are bound to feel. I really don’t know. Well I hope it is, coz if it’s not, then what is it?! Oh Father…
James spoke about his Spirit in us and then Trevor spoke of how we got the Spirit in us. After that we had a time to just let Him fill us with His Spirit. Initially I started seeing very random stuff. Then I put my hands over my face and then suddenly everything started to get white. It was soooo bright, so brilliant and so white it could blind you. And I felt so dirty. That’s what His presence does. My vision started moving into the center, like I was traveling INTO Him, into His heart. It was black and white stuff and it was just so  so out-of-this-world. Never experienced anything like that before. And as I went in and in, Denise, who was taking that time said something like, He is smiling at you and I could see His smile, just His smile, not His face. It was like at the center of it all. Then Denise ended the session and it was time for lunch. I think other people experienced something, too coz there were still people lying down and resting when I left.

2.28pm
Ok great. I finally told him. But I didn’t tell him the femininity thing. =/

I think at that time I still wasn’t really ready to talk about it.

6.00pm
I don’t know what’s happening. It’s like…He was supposed to comfort my pain. Where is He? I don’t feel Him, I don’t feel His love. Where did He go? Even the hugs didn’t seem to work. Can’t be something wrong with them. Must be something wrong with me. And what is wrong with me?! Father, fill me with Your love. Comfort my pain. I NEED You. I WANT you. I can’t live with this pain all my life. I need You to fill me. Comfort me, please. I beg You please. Just comfort me. I can’t do this anymore.

6.42pm
I was hurting so much I can’t believe it. My eyes read pain, even when I forced a smile. We did this hug thing, where the team spread out across the room and you could go to anyone for a hug. And then that person would pray for you and ask God to comfort you through them. I felt like I should go to Nicklos, partly because no one was going to him at that moment. I went over. We hugged. He prayed for me…and I didn’t feel anything. I was just so distracted. I went back to my seat and felt so horrible. Others around the room were bawling their eyes out and I didn’t feel anything! Then I felt like He wanted me to go to Trevor. I was so stubborn. I just couldn’t go. I had opened my heart and He hadn’t come in si I didn’t want to do it again! After I don’t know how many times God pushing me to go, I closed my eyes and saw Trevor standing there with his hands in his pockets. I opened my eyes, turned around, and there he was! Exactly like in what I saw, he was standing there, hands in pockets, no one was with him. I quickly got up and went over. He was really nice; he hugged me, prayed for me, and blessed me. I walked away unchanged. Nothing had happened. I was hurt beyond reason. “Why would God do this? He is good, isn’t He? Why why why” I couldn’t stand it. The hurt was unbearable. I went for dinner, hurt in my eyes. I sat down a bit further from the others and started eating. Somehow, the realization came on me. I think it was Him. He showed me a word — believe. I remembered what He had said about relating to Him. I realized that I needed to just believe that He loved me and not dwell in the hurt. So I prayed, “Father, I believe you love me and You’ll always love me. I hold on to Your promises…” something like that. It was a simple prayer, but as I prayed, a smile slowly crawled up my face. I felt happy. I felt whole. It was a total 180. And it was just believing. Crazy stuff.

11.41pm
It’s so late. But I went out supper with this two couples. Aunties and uncles. Funny lah they. Inside, they’re really like children. I didn’t have to pay for anything. We ate durian, ice kacang, satay. Wow…I just decided to say ‘yes I’ll go’. And there. I got supper provided. Hahaha I also realized that I didn’t pay anything for my whole dinner last night! Totally free! Crazy…
The teaching was incredible INCREDIBLE. I always thought that my weakness was going to be solved or something and the strength and power of God will be shown. No. We’re supposed to embrace our weaknesses. Aaha…didn’t see it that way at all! Oh wow…I’m so free now. Heavy burden just lifted.

This was the happy night. The last night of the seminar, so everyone was on a high. Plus, the teaching that night was so uplifting. I had just got into my hotel room when I heard a knock on the door. It was Eric, an uncle that was also staying on the same floor as me. He asked me whether I wanted to join him and his wife and some others for supper. I looked at him and said the inevitable, “I don’t know.” Hahaha I really had no opinion. I mean it was already 9pm by then and tomorrow was another early morning, but going for supper would be nice. Eric was like, “Just come la!” Ok ok I’m coming!
It was the last night for a lot of participants because they were staying for only one week. Eric and Yumiko, his wife and their friends, another couple, were going back the next day. So I just joined them loh. It was nice. I didn’t pay anything.

13 June 09 (Sat)
6.51am
Cold rainy morning. The tennis court right below my balcony has dark shiny patches. The sea is just sitting there, the wind blowing it every way. Huge gray cumulonimbus clouds stretched over the sky, slowly being pulled away by the wind. Colours are absent this morning, just a hint of orange-pink in the sky. Behind the clouds at the horizon, an outline of mountains are silhouetted with mist clothing their feet.

7.21am
The dark clouds have become long stretches of grey and the colours revealed are purple pink orange. So beautiful. behind the clouds, there is a creeping light from behind. I was wishing the clouds didn’t look so dark and menacing. But He was saying to me, “If there weren’t any dark clouds, there wouldn’t be any contrast. Yes Father, You’re the ultimate artist. The outlines of mountains are still settled in mist but there is a purple glow and the edges of the clouds are just shining with brilliance. I thought He had forgotten me, making a dull sunrise. But no, He never forgets.
Though the sorrow may last for the night, The joy comes in the morning. Yes Lord.

8.47am
I feel led to help * (name not mentioned for personal reasons) with some money to pay for her fees for next week. The reason why she can’t attend next week is because she doesn’t have enough money. I do feel peace about it, but I feel some unrest, too. I’m not sure.

8.54am
Just called my sis, she says go ahead. Yeah. Cool

This thing started since Thursday. After I had ‘remet’ her, coz she had forgotten who I was, I had kept seeing the words ‘Ask * ‘. I seriously had no idea what I was supposed to ask her. Selfish me, I thought maybe I was supposed to ask for transport to church? Hahaha I had no idea. On Wed, walking out of my hotel towards the school, in front of me, I saw * and her friend. I caught up with them and started talking. I still didn’t know what to ask. The next day, walking towards the school, I went past the carpark and saw that they had just gotten out of their car and were coming towards me. How strange, I thought. Two days in a row, I meet them while walking to the school. We started talking again, this time they jokingly accused me of stalking them hahahaha. I still didn’t have any clue what to ask. Then after the teabreak that day, I was talking to *, and I asked her whether she was coming for the next week. She said she didn’t have enough money. She stated the amount she needed and said if God wanted her to go, He would provide the money. After that conversation, that amount of money got stuck in my head. I kept seeing it over and over again. Then I realized the ‘Ask * ‘ was this! I was supposed to help her with the fees! Initially, I had wondered why my parents gave me so much money for my time in Penang, but then I knew why! It was to help others! Once it got into my head, it drove me crazy. I needed to do it. I couldn’t waste this opportunity.

6.59pm
You will not believe where I ended up FGA Penang! haha we went for early dinner just now. Cendol, ais kacang, laksa, char koay teow, lobak, with Alex, Joseph and Regi, us four again. After that we went around Komtar and Prangin Mall. Alex fetched the other two back but I decided to go for the Youth Service with him.

I walked past this sign and thought, “It makes so much sense!” One of the reasons why I went for seminar was because I felt burnt-out.

This morning, I kept changing my mind about giving the money. I finally decided to do it. But that was after I talked to her and asked her whether she actually wanted to come next week. She said she wanted to come, so that was on confirmation. I needed to get Alice, so I could talk with her about paying. I ran back to the chapel during lunch and found her inside. No one else was inside. Another confirmation. I knew I needed to do it them. “Alice!” I whispered sharply. Even though she was all the way across the hall, she heard me.
She came over, “Yes what is it, Lester?”
“Okay this might sound weird but…I feel led to help pay for *’s fees for next week.”
She nodded her head. She had probably done this countless times.
“How much do you think she will need?” I asked. Suddenly, a huge gripped me. What if the amount was not in my budget? What if * had mentioned it wrongly and it actually cost more than I thought? What if I didn’t have enough money to do this? All these ran through my head.
Alice looked up at the ceiling as she calculated the numbers. “She has paid…so that would mean she still needs …” She stated a number a little higher that the number * had mentioned. “Is that in your budget?” she asked.
“Well I was thinking around …” I stated the amount I had been seeing.
“Okay then, I’ll tell her that this much has been provided by–do you want to do this anonymously?”
Oh thank You Father. That was exactly what I wanted!
“Yes!!” I almost screamed. Hahaha
“Okay then,” she said, “I’ll tell her this much has been paid for anonymously and she just needs to cover the rest. Then I’ll get back to you. Okay? Oh you’re such a doll!”
“A doll?!” I thought. How on earth am I like a doll?! HAHAHAHAHA I knew what she meant, though.
As we left, she said to me, “Don’t you just looove secrets?” I nodded eagerly and we giggled away like little kids.
Alice came back to me later saying that * was thinking about it. * came over much later and announced that she was attending next week! So that means she had decided. I just pretended to look surprised. I gave Alice the money later, and that was it. It felt great.
The youth are praying now. Pre-service prayer meeting. They seem quite passionate about it. At least, some of them do.
The teaching by James, Denise and Trvor ends this week. I feel kinds sad that they’re gone, oz I wish I could talk to them about what happened for me. But His work is not yet complete, so I can’t really explain what He’s done in me. I don’t really understand it yet. I hope I can email then or something.
I remember seeing James for the first time and thought, “Wow, his face has so many layers.” I now know why. He is actually one of the first people, I think probably the first, where I can actually see so much of God in that person. That filling of God was exactly what it was. And I really want that. That eyes…I really want that. James talked about when he was younger and he wanted that eyes that he saw in someone he admired. It’s like the same thing hahahaha. I think the service is going to start soon.

14 June 09 (Sun)
7.23am
I woke up at 6.30 and was like…Lord! the sunrise is not even up yet! But I could see some light coming from behind the curtain, so I got up and pulled open the curtains and wow! it was like a crazy brilliant sunrise! There were this huge gray, dark grey clouds and the colours behind were pink orange and the colours behind were pink orange and they were intense! There was a shroud over the land on the other side and I realized it was a raincloud raining over that part. It was just incredible. I could not stop staring. It was beautiful. Insanely beautiful. I just sat there and watched it slowly change. It got brighter and brighter and the big grey clouds started creating shapes as they ascended. As all clouds do. There was this stretch of cirrus clouds and it was so gloomily grey. It looked so horrible. I asked God, “God, the grey clouds look so angry.” As I spoke, colour began to take over. Soon, the whole stretch was shining with bright pink. It turned into orange, brilliant orange. I’ve never seen anything like that. On the right there was this part of the sky that had mist over the land across the sea and the clouds right above it were cirrus orange. I didn’t make sense, coz cirrus clouds are supposed to be up there, but it was down there. And that part looked like an achingly beautiful painting of a desert with mist and brilliant colours. It was amazing. I thought one of the clouds looked like a camel and it was like traveling this beautiful desert.
Anyway, Alex stayed over with me! It was so funny. On the way back from church, he asked me, really scared, if he could spend the night. I was surprised, not because I didn’t want him over, but because the thought had actually crossed my mind when he had stopped over for a shower that afternoon. But I had barely entertained that thought, and banished it away. Haha I thought it was one of my selfish twisted thoughts, but when he asked me and I said I had actually thought of the same thing, we started laughing, “It’s confirmation!” he said.
Then he said, ” I know this is weird, coz I’m already so old but I need to ask my granny permission first.” He and his granny stay together, so he needed to ask her. And he wanted to take me there! The options were as follows: if she says yes, he would come and spend the night. If no, he would fetch me to the nearest busstop and I’d take the bus back to my hotel which is right across a busstop. (Later I realized he was joking) Of course I wanted him to stay over, and he obviously wanted too. But I started to pray. Haha I was nervous, coz I was actually going to be meeting her and going into the apartment. But as I was walking up the stairs, I knew already what the answer would be. It would be yes, I knew it in my heart. He told me that He will give me the desires of my heart and knew our desires. Anyway, so I met her, went in, sat down, Alex sat his granny down and started giving a big picture before asking the question. I had nothing to do so I started to pray. “Please say yes, please say yes,” even though I already knew the answer. They were speaking in Hokkien so I had no idea what they were saying. I heard her say Ok and Alex say Ok and even though I didn’t know to what they were saying Ok, I felt this peace just come over me. I knew she had said yes. Somehow.
Then Alex got up and said he was going to pack. I still had nothing to do, so I started praying for the granny. I wanted God to tell me how He felt about her. His love started rushing into my heart and my heart started to ache with His love. He kept saying, I love her so much, I love her so much, and I was just praying that her heart would be revealed to His love. I prayed for don’t know how long, as long as when Alex was getting ready go. I felt this deep sorrow and loneliness about her, so I just kept praying that she would realize that He loved her so much. I prayed that His love would just fill the apartment as she spent the night alone. My heart was just so burdened.

8.31am
In Fettes Park Baptist Church now, just met Chin Nee. Need to wait for her.
Anyway, after Alex said, “Let’s go,” the burden lifted. And I felt Him saying, “I will do it. I will show her my love, I will surround her with My love, surround her with My joy, with peace…” As we left, we said bye, but she kept asking Alex things as we walked away. Finally we left and went to the car. I knew she was watching from the balcony. I looked up at her as we pulled away I felt this deep sadness. I even feel it now. I told Alex about it on the way back, and he was speechless. hahaha.
On the way back, we dropped by this burger place. I paid for the burgers and then we went back to the hotel.
We had so much fun. I think I have never in my life connected with someone so deeply. His English is far from perfect, so I’m surprised that sometimes I don’t even realize he is speaking broken English. I’m totally fine with it. And since I’ve met him, I’ve never corrected his English one. Not once.
We talk and talk, I told him like…my whole problem and struggles and everything and I didn’t even feel embarrassed at all. And he didn’t do any condeming at all. He was encouraging, though. And he said he didn’t want to say goodnight coz he didn’t want it to end. Aaawww
In the end we fell asleep but we talked for a long time. And he also said he was thankful that I talked without any inhibitions and I told him I had never done anything like this, talking to someone so freely. It’s definitely the work of the Father in me. You know I think we’re both the same age inside, coz we talk so easily and we have sooo much in common, more than we know. I feel so natural around him, like the brother I never had. hehehehe Thank You Father.

15 June 09 (Mon)
8.19am
I didn’t write for so long coz we were so busy doing things. After church, I went with Regi and Joseph straight to Gurney Plaza. We ate at Chili’s and talked for a long time. Then we went to watch 17 again. After that, we left for Penang Hill, took the train up, hung out, took the train down. But that time, it was night. We went to eat Bak Kut Teh and I couldn’t wait to get back so I could rest. We finally did, and I felt so conked out. Alex and I still talked all night and also when we woke up. Actually, I started feeling really sad after the movie. The sadness continued until I went to bed. I told Alex about it and he said he could tell. He asked me whether I wanted a hug. So he hugged me and I felt better. Much better. I could giggle and laugh after that. Hugs are powerful. Anyway, it was a long day.

The first thing I saw when I got up on Penang Hill was a rainbow!

The Penang Hil experience wasn’t really a nice one. It was so crowded in the train, and I don’t really like crowded-ness. Also the place up there was okay, I guess. Maybe I just feeling sad at that time. Or maybe too tired. Haha

3.05pm
Back from a trip out. We went out with Joseph (Alex and I agreed that day that Joseph kinda looked like the animated Mr. Bean), ate really nice food at King’s Street, went to this traders’ market place at Prangin, really cool place. Then we went walking at the market at Kuala Kangsar, went into the narrowest market ever, went here and there and then came back. I’ve been feeling weird. Like…the Father’s love is not really felt. Sigh…But I know He loves me, and nothing can stop me from believing.

I discovered the joy of taking pictures with your handphone that day. As a result, I got loads of photos to share now hahaha.

It says: Prangin Market Traders Association Penang

We had been learning so much about following our hearts and not our minds.

If you can see it, it says ‘Hang Sin’. Good job guys. Your effort to curb sin is commendable.

Nice view of Komtar

Piccadilly? Hmmm…reminds me of Monopoly.

The market was kinda narrow, so me and Joseph got pushed up against this watch stall as a lorry tried to drive through. I could feel the lorry brushing my back as it went pass. As I snapped this photo, I unknowingly stuck out my left elbow and then suddenly I felt something hit my elbow. It was one of the boards on the back of the lorry. No injury. It was just the impact that hurt.

Yup, we really know your ta te better. See? You don’t even know what’s a ta te. We seriously know your ta te better than you.

to be continued…