Grrr-attitude

Wow…I haven’t been here for a long time.

Last last week, YPF had the second week of preaching practice. It was my group’s turn; our topic was ‘Fruit of the Spirit’. Actually, since the week before that I had already been feeling His leading to speak on ‘love’. I also felt Him slowly opening up my understanding of His meaning of love. But He wasn’t going to pour it out until I really decided on the topic ‘love’. So…I decided to take on the challenge.

That’s when He slowly revealed more and more. I realized that Eph 5:22 doesn’t say ‘the fruits of the Spirit is…’ but instead, it says ‘the FRUIT of the Spirit is…’. Then I saw that love was the first one mentioned. And THEN I saw that love was so much more than I had thought it was.

Basically, my teaching was on the ‘perfect love’ that the New Testament alluded to every time it mentioned ‘love’. Based on 1 John 4:7, I wrote the equation ‘loves=knows God’ and challenged the youth to rethink the ‘love’ that they find in the world. Then I proposed the ‘perfect-love theory’ and went through 1 Cor 13:4-7 digging out what this ‘perfect love’ is. I drew lines pointing out from a huge LOVE on the board and wrote all the ‘definitions’ like patience, kindness, blessings, humility, selfless, etc…

That was my the ‘perfect-love theory’–that love is actually such a multi-facected, complicated, extensive, incomprehensible aspect of Christianity. And yet, it is the most important, most crucial aspect of Christianity. In fact, Christianity revolves around it.

I went on to show how we could have that perfect love in us, using 2 John 1:6: Walking in complete obedience to His commands. Then I shared on my experiences during ThePlan09, how I actually felt like hanging out with others on the last night instead of retreating straight to my room to rest. I realized why I acted so out of my normal behaviour–that night was the closest I’d ever been to total surrender, so that night was also the closest I’ve ever been to perfect love. It was such a huge revelation to me. And with that, I challenged the youth to pursue this perfect love, because if they do, it requires total submission and obedience to His commands.

Before I went up, I actually was REALLY nervous. I don’t know why, I just became really nervous. One thing that came into my mind was, “What if they don’t get it? What if it doesn’t hit them?”. All these questions came into my mind while I was waiting for my turn. But when I got up there, my nervousness just went poof! Out the window. I wasn’t nervous anymore.

After I was done, I stood at the side and waited for the audience to critique me. I knew I had done a pretty good job, but I’m always bad at taking criticism, so I said, “God, help me”. They started telling me all the stuff they thought was good and not a single negative comment was made. Philip asked me to sit back down and I hadn’t heard any criticism! I was shocked. I sat back down amazed. Seriously? No constructive criticism at all? Wow…

Later, a few people came up to me or SMSed me saying I did a good job. I was just happy I could impart a revelation I had received. As I went home that day, I was riding high on this ’success’, but I felt such gratitude to God for using a wreck like me to speak so deeply into people’s lives. I myself struggled with what I was talking about, and I see so many flaws within me, but still He could use this guy, full of weaknesses, to teach others about love. Seriously, I felt so thankful He could use me. =D

Two Weeks In Penang…Continued

Continued from the last post…

We went into this Indian restaurant. Didn’t eat there, but the food looked amazing.

We went to the narrowest market ever.

It was seriously very narrow.

We went to this pet shop that was more like a mini zoo. It had all kinds of pets and the aquarium section was just amazing! I never appreciated fishes but I did in that shop, walking past all these beautiful fishes that God created. It helped that I was with Alex, an avid fish fan. LOL

7.19pm
Going out for dinner soon, with Joseph.

10.49pm
I had quite a long talk with Joseph. About 1 and a half hours. I feel really sleepy and tired. Gnite.

16 June 09 (Tues)
8.22am
Sunrise was beautiful. But not colourful.
I’ve been feeling weird remember. Yeah. Actually more like feeling normal. After feeling experiencing the Father’s love, there’s no going back. I feel now like His presence has left me. I think I did something that broke His heart. Father, I’m so sorry. I still know You love me still.

8.55am
The seats in the hall have changed. Less people, so less chairs

10.18pm
Haha I didn’t write at all this morn and afternoon. Teaching was good. Not as heavy as last week, but still heavy. But it touched home…I think. I found myself in communion with Him again. I was having convos with Him again. Awesome…He seriously was with me. Even when I was taking pics of the sunrise, He told me when to press the button. Coz the car was moving so fast, by the time the picture registered, the pic was not what I wanted to get. But He would suddenly say NOW and I would quickly press the button and the picture would be perfect, without any trees blocking.
After the session we went to Tesco. We bought stuff, food, and then came back to the hotel and hung out at Joseph’s room. I’m so full. And I didn’t pay anything, except for the bag of ice, which only cost rm1.70. We talked and talked, then I joined Alex at the balcony. We talked and I felt a deep connection with him. Like super deep. I’ve never felt that with anyone before. I could feel the tears coming as I thought of the ’separation’ we would face when the seminar ends. I would really miss him. And he would miss me, too. He said he wished we both were from the same state, and also wished that he went to KL often. He obviously feels it, too. I asked God about this, and He jst said, “Love him back. I’ve put that love ion your heart for a reason.” Ok Father, I’ll obey You.
I realize something. I was not scared at all when I went to the 7/11 to get ice. I did feel the fear creeping in, but the Father’s voice was saying, “You can do it son, I know you can.” It was all I needed to hear. Fear was just gone. I marched up to the store, bought the ice, and as I came back tot he car, He said, “There is no fear in the Father’s love.” Yup. His love has got a hold of me. I am not scared anymore.

It’s true that I normally wouldn’t connect or want to connect with someone like Alex, but God surprised me with what I thought were my boundaries. The truth is, my boundaries were self-imposed. He is boundary-less, and I am still learning that when coming in contact with people.
I know it sounds kinda stupid. Going into a 7/11 store and feeling scared. But that was something that happened on a weekly basis for me before the seminar. Everything tiny thing was a chance for me to slip up. Or so I thought. The Father cheering us on is everything we need to know to conquer this world. In fact, we don’t even conquer it. He does it for us. All we have to do it rest in His love. So simple. 

17 June 09 (Wed)
8.19am
Alex is staying over again. Wheeee!

8.31am
He’s coming over soon to drop his ’sleeping over’ bag and then we’ll leave for Dalat School. Hopefully he comes soon.

11.45am
After break there was worship. I offered to tune the guitar coz it wasn’t really in tune. I tuned it, but Niklos wasn’t really paying attention coz he needed to start the worship soon. I went back to my seat and Niklos started to play. He looked up in surprise as he heard the guitar and gave an impressed look at me. hehehe I was just happy to help.

4.30pm
God is good. He’s definitely helping me to sort my feelings. I realize now that what Ive been feeling is wrong. It was right, but wrongly done. So now it’s right. It doesn’t feel like a tie anymore, it’s more like giving instead of receiving. It’s hard to explain, coz it’s a feeling. Next session starting.

10.48pm
The teaching has been really good. It’s very different from the kind of teaching lest week, but I don’t know how to explain it.This week has been addressing a lot of issues I’ve faced, so that’s cool.
I find myself much more manlier now. I think the words said had such power on me, that I embraced my femininity so much and rejected my masculinity. It also made me become so much of a girl. Somehow my body responded to it and became what the words said.
Now I feel my shirt more, which means I’m filling up my shirt more, not so skinny anymore. That’s only how I’m feeling, don’t know if I actually look it. Hahaha

It was a little freaky feeling myself change like that. I just felt more manlier, I guess, and it affected the way I carried myself. Don’t underestimate the power of words. Be careful what you say because it can either damage or build people’s lives. Seriously.

11.02pm
Alex went up to Joseph’s room to talk, and I didn’t join coz I’m sleepy and I think I should let them talk.
I actually saw a vision about Alex but forgot about it and forgot to tell him. I saw him taking a can of 7up from an icebox and drinking it, then I saw the whole thing again but this time there was no label on the can he took out. it was just this brilliant glorious shining can. He drank it and that was the one he was supposed to drink.
I saw something similar to it again. It was a 7up commercial and there was the splashing thing and the can of 7up and there was Alex drinking from a  can of 7up. He tasted the 7up and ha da look of dissatisfaction on his face. Same thing happened again, this time he drank a nameless label-less shining glorious can and he looked satisfied.
I didn’t really understand, even though I could come up with an explanation. So today I told him and he explained it for himself. So that’s good. I feel awesome. Hehehe
Today for dinner, Alex took us to this seaside row of restaurants. Actually, more like lakeside. The scenery was beautiful, the seafood was amazing, and after the dinner, while Regi and Joseph talked, Alex and I went walking. We went out onto this jetty that stuck out into the sea and we sat there and talked. It was really “romantic” hahahaha but it was nice. I had a great time.

18 June 09 (Thurs)
1.35pm
I’ve been just receiving and receiving all I can. Alice just told me that I always look alert and connected when someone was teaching. I thought that was funny, coz today was the sleepiest I’ve even been.
I’m thinking of getting resources but I don’t know which one to get, and I have no money. Daddy doesn’t know what they have, so it’s best for him to come and look. But they close the table, resource table, tomorrow. So…:( I don’t know what to do.
Time for small groups.

3.14pm
During the small groups, the last thing we did was pray for me. Everyone surrounded me and prayed a blessing over me. Richard said I was like an arrow, sharp, straight to the point, not wanting to say something in 10 sentences but in 1 sentence. He said I will bring clarity in confusion, be able to summarize situations. Alex said I was very gifted in zooming in on tiny details. Can’t really remember what else he said. Joseph said I was very sensitive and discerning and that God wanted to use me to bless others through that. Niklos’ one was the most interesting. He said he saw me playing a board game with Father. We were comfortable with each other, and playing the game with focus. He said I was close to the Father. He said he also saw a sculpture that wasn’t finished, only the head was done, and it was me. Something about God’s work not yet done. His artistry. Nik said something else that was very interesting. He said my mind and my heart, both so capable, could make a powerful combination and it was a gift put in me by the Father. It was nice hearing all the things that God thought about me.

10.31opm
I actually overslept. The soaking session was 3-4pm but I slept until 4 and past the teabreak. I woke up when the session was starting again. I think it was Richard who woke me up and passed me a paper. It was the notes for that session. I could barely see. My brain had totally shut down. I looked at the paper and tried to read it but my brain couldn’t understand the words. I got up and sat on my chair and it felt so weird. Like I had just been born and had to relearn everything. It was weird. Dinner was ok. I think I ‘depressed’ my ownself, I really don’t know what happened. My mind just can’t make out the situation.

That night was really weird. I just suddenly became so depressed. Any open door the enemy finds will be used to their best advantage. We always need to be watchful and keep that trust in the Father.

19 June 09 (Fri)
8.10am
Yesterday was weird. It’s like I totally lost it. I’m crying out to the Father — Help me know You are new.
Today is the last full day.
Yesterday, I actually hurt Alex. But I told him I was sorry and said my excuse, which was no excuse at all, but it had to do with ‘heart’, so…he was ok with it, I think. He said he hoped I recovered by today. He’s such a good person.

3.14pm
Soaking session now. I’m lying on Alex’s sleeping bag with him. Actually, I’ve been using his sleeping bad for the past 2 weeks. Haha. His sleeping bad is really nice.
We’re totally fine now. Non problemo.

4.33pm
I’m said, coz it’s the last full day, and my last full day with Alex.
God’s work is definitely evident in me. To me, at least.

20 June 09 (Sat)
8.57am
Last day! Sob sob. Of course it’s sad. But I can’t wait to continue this journey with Him that I’ve just started. He has taught me so so many things in just 2 weeks. You are awesome Father.

11.35pm
We did this awesome awesome time of prophesying over each other. First we did this lines and lines of people and then mixing up and prophesying over each other. Then we did this thing, one person sat on a chair, according to your lines and then person after person will come up to that person on the chair and say something that God had spoken to them about that person. Last one was just going round and find someone God told you to go to and just prophecy over that person. Cool stuff.

2.07pm
It’s over! Sob sob. But I feel so empowered. Wheeeee. God is so awesome.

4.32pm
Hardest was saying goodbye to Alex. He helped fetch me and daddy to the airport.
I’m flying business class! In the lounge now, so high class. Thank you Father, for all Your blessings.
One of the things that I got out of the prophesy time was that the Father is proud of me! I’m His joy! And I have the ability to change the environment, the people around me. So cool. I didn’t know I gave so much joy to people.
I should write about all that happened during the prophesy time coz it was so awesome. First, we lined up in 6 rows, 3 pairs of rows, each one on the row having a partner which was the person from the row that was right across them. One row on each pair turned faced away from their partners and closed their eyes. I was in one of that rows. Then all the rest just jumbled up so that everyone got a new partner. Then Helen, who was taking that time, told us what was going to happen. Those with their eyes closed will be turning around and prophesying on their new partner. We didn’t know who was standing behind us, so there would be no thinking on what to say to that person. When we turned around, we would ask God for a Bible character and why and then pray it over that person.
I somehow got Noah even before  turned around and saw who was standing behind me. I turned and it was…Joseph! haha he had this cheeky smile on his face. He said, “Not that hard to get a Bible character huh?” I laughed and then said seriously, “I got Noah.” I put my his shoulder and started to elaborate, but nothing came. It was just blank. And I had no idea why “Noah”. I started saying…”You are building something…and you are obeying God on this. People are saying things about you, doubting you, but you are sure you heard God right. And this thing you are building will give new life to people”. I was quite hesitant and it took a while for it all to come but that’s all I said. I had no idea what I was talking about.
Next was the opposite line’s turn. So the line beside us stayed and closed their eyes and we changed. At first I was behind Rani but because of one of Richard’s cheeky doings, I was asked  to change place so that Rani’s husband could be the one standing behind Rani. So my new person was Uncle Julian! He’s so nice. He prayed for me, saying really nice stuff and saying I was a Timothy. It was a very nice prayer but I forgot mostly what he said. I do remember that he said I was going to go back and share what I learned and people will be wondering what is within me that makes me so different. Cooooool…hahahah
The next exercise was this lining up thing. The person at the front of the line sat down on a chair and one by one, we had to go up to that person and say the 1st thing that God put into out hearts. I was the last one on my line. haha At first I was so scared, asking God “What do I say!” But he gave me the words. Yeah soon it was just so natural. It was awesome. And then it was my turn to sit on that chair. Person after person said that I brought joy to others and God and that I could change my surroundings. Someone said to pursue my dreams and someone else said not to be afraid. Yet another person said that the Father was proud of me! wheeeee awesome.
The last exercise was just going about and asking Father who we need to pray and prophecy over. We needed to go to at least 3 people. Before I could go anywhere, Hailey was coming up to me. She said she had felt like praying for me a few days ago, so now she knew she had to pray for me. The words she spoke over me were so accurate! so so accurate. Like I would look up at her and be like, where’d yo hear that?! hahaha one thing I like that she said was that the Father was so proud of me He was going around heaven telling all the angels and prophets, “Have you seen what my son’s done? Did you see? Do you know what he did?” and He was just bragging about me. Hahahaha oh ya and she said I was such an encouragement to others just seeing me coming all alone just to know more about Him.

Before writing this post, I became a kid again and entered the kid section of the lounge. There were colouring papers so I decided to try my hand at colouring, since I am supposedly an art teacher. lol…

The kids section

6.41pm
In the train now, going back home. The plane ride was ok, the view was awesome! We touched down when the sun was kinda setting. It’s still bright though.
Ok back to what I was saying.
After Hailey prayed for me, I saw Alex’s name. Alex was free so I went to him. I didn’t know what to pray about though. I hadn’t received any word. Then I saw a fish and it was swimming in an aquarium. But it longed to get out of there. When I said ‘fish’, he smiled, and I know he likes fishes–to both rear and eat. I prayed that over him, that he won’t let anything hold him back. It was a bit weird giving him a word, because I already knew him so well.
Then after that, Niklos just came to me and hugged me, said a simple prayer. He felt like he didn’t need to do anything, just hug me. After that, Daniel came and prayed for me. He’s so funny and cute. As old as he is funny hahaha He prayed for me but I can’t remember what he prayed. I just know it was a nice prayer and prophecy. After that I got kinda lost. I had no idea who to go to. Along he way of walking around aimlessly, Hannes walked up to me. He’s quite an old man too bt not THAT old. He prayed quite a long prayer but as soon as he started praying, I felt like falling over! The presence of God was slowly seeping into me. My whole body suddenly became so hot and I was wearing my jacket because it was cold! I could hardly make out what he was saying because I wanted to faint right there. Halfway through the prayer, he put his hand on my back and it was burning! Burning like fire! It was crazy. He kept praying God’s anointing on me, and also said I had His anointing in me ready to flow. Well, I seriously could feel it!
Actually, just before Hannes came to me, I saw Samuel’s name. He’s an uncle I met already. I saw the name Abel and felt like his sacrifices and worship was very pleasing to God. So after Hannes finished praying for me, I went to Samuel. At first he thought I wanted to talk to him, so he started asking me stuff like how I was going back etc…then I said, “I got something for you”. He immediately looked down and clasped his hand in front of him–automatic position. hahaha I told him what I got. Later he told me what I spoke over him was very encouraging and he thanked me. And he asked his wife to take a photo with me. hehehehe
By that time, most people had finished their praying and were sitting and talking or just gone for teabreak. I suddenly saw Hailey’s name so I went to her. She was talking to Jodi and Jodi can really talk. So while waiting, I asked Father what he wanted to say. He said ‘bold’. That was all I needed. Jodi left and I prayed it over Hailey. I built on it, saying she won’t be restricted by human rules and stuff but she will only obey the Father’s voice and that God wanted to increase that boldness even more. After that I went for teabreak. Yup.
I’m watching the sunset. The windows in the train are huge.

the end

Two Weeks In Penang: A Chronicle Of Events

This is the story of my two weeks in Penang. Two amazing weeks. Be prepared, this story might just blow your mind

This post will have writings straight out of my journal and some entries will be followed by a ‘commentary’ so that hopefully you will know where I’m coming from. Oh and remember, most of the pictures were taken with my phone, so they are not the best quality. Here we go.

17 May 09 (Sun)
Guess what? I’ve decided to go for Imparting The Father’s Heart 2009! In Penang! It’s a totally big step of faith and trust for me, but I’m quite sure…wait…I KNOW God wants me to go. I’ve started feeling tired of serving and I just needed somewhere that I could go to get refreshed, understand him better, and this came up. Yup. Also, yesterday when my sis was telling me that the website was working and that I could go check it out and register, we were in the car, and I turned around and guess what I saw…a rainbow! A huge rainbow! You could see the whole thing! From where it started to where it ended. It was so bright, too! I keow immediately God wants me to go for this.
I don’t really have any clear reasons why I want to go for this, but I do feel that I NEED to go for this.

As you can see, I was quite excited about going to Penang. But I was very nervous, too. A lot of details hadn’t been ironed out yet at that time. I did feel a strong urgency to go for this seminar even though I didn’t see any clear reasons to go. Even then, my spiritual antennae were already picking up signals. haha

28 May 09 (Thur)
I feel like I’m at a dead end. It’s like I’ve tried every option. I don’t know what to do…I can’t seem to do something right…I’m wasting my time…can’t control myself.
I also feel like I’m trying to fit into what everyone tells me I should be…and…I’m not sure whether I can actually get fatter. Should I just accept the way I am or agree with them and try to get fatter or buffer? It hurt to talk or think about it last time but no I can face it with just some cringes. Just don’t tell me I’m anorexic.
I’m hoping ITFH (Imparting The Father’s Heart) will change my perspective. There’s definitely a hole in my heart that hasn’t been filled. I know it’s about time God filled it. I just don’t know how to let Him fill it…like, where do I start?

I became really depressed a few weeks before I left. The feeling of trying and trying but still failing really got to me. It was like a rope’s end for me. Even ITFH didn’t seem like it was going to work, because I’ve been to enough conferences and seminars to know that you go back to the same after a few weeks. I didn’t know at that time that ITFH wasn’t just ANY seminar.

6 June 09 (Sat)
9.34am
Sunglasses? Check. Earphones? Check. Pen and notebook? Right here. Roadtrip!
We’ve just left the house for our drive to Penang. And I’m nervous. Of course I’m nervous. I’m going to be meeting new people, wearing only one layer of clothing, and most of all, staying in a hotel by myself! Plus, I have a plaster on my nose. Don’t ask me how it got there.
But despite all thses, I’m excited for what God is going to do. He’s already surprised me with providing safe transport back. I know He’s got LOADS of surprises in store. It’s just the trusting that’s scary. Suuuuper scary. I’m not the kind of person that’s chinchai la, anything will do. I need to know what’s going to happn, why it’s going to happen, when it’s going to happen, how it’s going to happen and blah blah blah. So this trusting thing will be a test of a faith in what God can do.
You’ve brought me this far, God. Don’t fail me now. I know You won’t.

Getting transport back to KL was something of a worry for me. I didn’t mind taking a bus back, but it was going to probably take 5 hours to come back. And the we would have to buy a ticket and I would have to find transport to the bus station and stuff like that. It was such a worry for me. Then one day my dad came back from work and told us a there was a course in Penang coming up and it was from 18-20 June! It ended right on the same day as my seminar! We were all shocked. First of all, my dad NEVER goes to Penang for business stuff. It just doesn’t happen. And of all days, right at the end of my seminar! We all knew it had to be God. And the thing was, my dad was going to be flying to Penang, so that meant that I was flying back, too! So cool…Yeah so when I realized that God was actually IN this, I knew that He had everything planned out with cool stuff just waiting to come my way.

1.35pm
It’s me again. After stopping at a chaotic shop in Ipoh for lunch, I’m full. But my stomach feels other things, too. For one, I’m getting butterflies every so often. Every turn of the wheel is bringing me closer to Penang, and I can’t help feeling fearful of what might happen. But, weird as it may sound, God’s peace has seemed to have taken over my viscera. No more feal of people. no more fear of people staring at my plaster-covered nose. Yes, it’s that peace–the one that surpasses all understanding, ALL understanding. God is awesome.
Pulau Pinang – 140km–that’s what the sign says. Man, we’re getting closer. Can you feel it? The excitement, that is. God has so much in store for me. Can’t wait. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go practice my rubik’s cube while Matt Wertz tells me it’s 5:19. Now that I think of it, he never says pm or am.

(Didn’t write the time for the following entries)

- Guess what? The Penang bridge is jammed. No surprise…

- Going onto the bridge is chaos! Cutting here, cutting there. Crazy mess.

- Ok we’re officially on the bridge. And…the sea is grey. Is it dirty or what? Greyish brown…blechk…

- Somehow, I don’t have anything to say. Peace has settled my troubled heart. Yeah man, this is real peace. Forget doves, two fingers, that sign that looks like the Mercedes logo, forget it. This peace rules.

- And…we’re in Penang! Man I love this plae. So clean and green and fresh. Haha I have such a good feeling about this. Now I’m just so excited for what God is going to do. I realize that if I keep thinkking about what might happen or ‘rehearsing’ things through my mind, I end up worrying. So now I’m just going to take things as they come. No pre-thinking, no rehearsing. Just doing it as it comes.
Basically, what I meant that I was just going to trust God to provide security and peace and make everything work out fine. Which He did…in His own timing =D

- Just arrived at the hotel. And it is suuuper close to the school where the seminar will be held, like a 3-5 min walk. And it’s on the same side of the road. Yay
The hotel looks cool. Dad is still checking in. Hopefully the room is nice.
Just to clear things up, the seminar was held in an international school. Accomodation wasn’t included in the fee, so I was staying in the hotel.

- Ooo wow the room is nice…of course it’s not perfect…the tap leaks, the toilet seat is broken, there are weird quares in the ceiling, and the cupboard doors are loose, but who cares? I actually like it here. In fact, the view from this room is beautiful. I actually just saw someone parachuting across. The view is looks out into the sea. On the right, there’s a small rocky island with a lighthouse and on the left is more buildings…and the sunset. But mostly, it’s just the sea. Unobstructed view of the sea. I’m a little hungry though. Wonder when we’re gonna eat. =P

This was the room in which we stayed one night. We later checked into the room that I actually stayed in for the two weeks. Until now, I still have no idea why we did it that way. hahaha

10.30pm
We went to this Teocheow restaurant for dinner.When we got there, there wasn’t anyone. No one at all…I thought maybe the restaurant wasn’t really popular. Then I realized that 4 out of the 7 tables that were inside the air-cond room were reserved! Within minutes of our food arriving, people starting coming in and the restaurant was full of people! This elderly couple came in wanting a table but after being told there were no tables and that they had to take a table outside, they started arguing with each other. When we went out after we finished eating, we saw them sitting at opposite ends of the table, facing away from each other, with huge scowls plastered all over their faces. “They need God,” I thought
Looking up, I saw a full moon. Well, not really full. But it was nearly full. Full moons on a clear night have always meant something for my family.
We dropped by Gurney Plaza to buy some stuff and then came back. Found out the Internet use in the hotel costs RM 6 per 1/2 hour and RM10 per hour. No thanks.
My nose is hurting now. When we came back just now, I opened the plaster on my nose and saw a huge swelling of pus. Mum said it needed to come out. So she helped me squeeze it out while I ate koay ling kou. I found out then that koay ling kou actually not made out of turtle.
Hopefully my nose heals well. Tomorrow evening is the registration for the seminar. I’ll be meeting the other participants, too. A bit nervous, but I’ll be fine. Trusting God…
Time to sleep. Gnite.

7 June o9 (Sun)
7.45am
Today is the big day! Yesterday night, I was reading 1 Cor 12. Paul had a thorn and he asked God to take it away. He never mentions what it is, but I feel like I can relate. I feel like I have a thorn, a scar, something that is holding me back from greater things. I’ve asked God “why why why” and just like Paul, God’s answer is –My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness-. Wow His power made perfect in my weakness? Jump to the end of verse 10, “For when I’m weak, then I’m strong.” I remembered then, how I was so nervous about people staring at my plaster-covered nose when we stopped at Ipoh. But because of my fear, I forced myself to not care. I became stronger. Now I totally don’t care. So you see, when I’m week, I’m strong. It doesn’t make sense when we think with human minds. But with God’s thinking, it makes perfect sense. And God’s power is shown through every insult, persecution, hardship, diffiulty, thats what the Bible says. How does that work? Simple. Through the way we respond. God’s power can be manifested so mightily just through the way we respond to difficult situations. The world won’t understand, because they react. But God’s power is made perfect in our weakness and we respond with God’s love joy peace and everything beside and in between. His power can be shown when He takes over our viscera and peace calms our butterflies. His power can be shown when we show love to people who seem unlovable. His power can be shown when we bubble over with joy even in trying times. We just need to trust God that He can do that work in us. If you ask Him for it and believe that you’ll receive it, do you think He will disappoint?

It was such a cool revelation for me then. But in retrospect, I see a major piece missing. The understanding of the Father’s heart was still something that I had not yet grasped. Reading it now, it looks kinda off-track. hahahaha

9.45am
I’ve been given restrictions on my diet. Not much I can eat at breakfast buffet. We’re going to church soon.

10.16am
You know, I was thinking…God will never put you in a position or situation that you can’t handle right? He knows I can’t handle having to find transport for myself or looking for my own meals, so He provides it. But, He doesn’t provide everything, so I still have to trust Him. But He has faith in me that I’ll be able to have enough faith in Him, which is a very nice thought, isn’t it? He’s actually like giving me a situation and saying, “Here, I know you can handle this. But I know you can’t handle those, so I took care of it.” It fells nice to know God believes in me. Ok we’re reaching the church now. Might meet some people I know. Toodles!

10.20am
False alarm…still cannot find the church. Trying again.

We found the church in the end lol…

1.21pm
Wow…what a sermon. Amazing sermon. Of all things, the speaker talks about homosexuality. So timely for me. If you didn’t already know, I’ve struggling with that and have always been wondering whether there was anyone that had grace for people like these but still stuck to the truth of the Word. And there it is…the speaker spoke of his church in San Fran where he welcomed the gay community but gave them time to discover the truth for themselves. It is nice to know that there are people and churches like that.
He also mentioned that in his church, he found 3 kinds of gay people: those who were living the gay lifestyle, those that were still struggling with it, and those that had already decided to put it behind them forever. Of all three, I guess I fit into the last one. Then he said something like — I admire and respect the courage of those who have decided that don’t want that lifestyle because most of the time, they have decided a life of celibacy. :O It’s not the celibacy part that’s important. It’s the courage. I’ve always thought that people who have made decisions in these situations were courageous. It’s nice to know that some people recognize that. Time for lunch.

Yeah…that sermon was a major encouragement for me. It felt so God. Like the whole situation was God’s doing. I mean, why would a speaker speak about homosexuality for half of his sermon? But it was exactly what I needed. I had been struggling with that problem for so long. A few weeks before the seminar, I decided that I didn’t want that lifestyle anymore. I knew going for the seminar would help me turn over a new leaf. Well, the seminar helped so much more. It helped me understand WHY it happened. As you will see…

2.03pm
Just ate koay teow teng and some char koay teow at a small stall beside the road. lol…

I don’t know why. I’m getting more and more nervous about this weekend and next week coz of arrangements. Not sure what I’m gonna be doing. Waiting to check into my room, the one that I’ll actually be staying in these two weeks. I hear it’s on the 17th floor. *raise and lower eyebrows*

The reason why I was getting so worried was because there was a weekend break between the two weeks. Saturday we had the afternoon off, Sunday and Monday were off, and Tuesday would resume the seminar again. I didn’t know what I was going to do during those days. Actually, He had everything planned out already. I didn’t even need to worry. Hahaha

2.26pm
I love my room. Wheeee….yup my room is cozy. How everything is provided for is amazing. My dad had to pay for the first week first becase the final payment was too big to pay at once. I saw my dad take out bill after bill until there was a stack of fifties on the counter. :O
Guess what number my room is. 1702…hahha…it’s like 17 again. 17 the second time. lol…it’s sounds so prophetic. Like I’m being given a second chance at being 17. You know what, I actally like this room better than the last one. It’s smaller…but cozier. The view is a little obstructed by this residential condo, but I don’t care.  I can still see the sea.
I tried out the safe. Cool. I’m keeping some money inside.
Okay I’m really trusting God now. Whatever meals, whatever transport, I won’t sweat it.

3.33pm
You know what, I think this room is better. The tap doesn’t leak, the toilet seat is not broken, there aren’t any weird squares in the ceiling and the cupboard doors aren’t loose. In 1 hour registration starts. I need a nap.

4.48pm
Time to go for registration. Getting nervous. Calm down…

6.00pm
Registration was okay. They printed my name wrongly. Lester Song -.- So I have a written name tag. I see some people who went to DTS with Eunice. Oh and of course Jon is here. (Jonathan was someone I had met before in a King’s Kids last year) Dinner should be soon. But I’m not hungry.

10.00pm
Ok I WAS hungry. They did a miscalculation of food and there wans’t really enough for everybody. I felt quite hungry by 8pm. hahaha so we had our first session. It was like an introduction. but it was already so deep! I just need to open my heart as big as I can and let God flow in. That’s what James Jordan the speaker said. I kinda have this weird peace within me. Like, God is just going to be wth me. I don’t have to worry.

10.41pm
Tonight daddy and mummy are still with me, so it’s okay. Tomorrow will be the real test. Long day tomorrow. Better sleep.

8 June 09 (Mon)
8.07am
Today will be the long day. The first long day. And mummy and daddy will be leaving today. Anyway, I had a horrible dream. It kinda is like two steps back you know? Just erases everything you had. Still, I must remember–my grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in your weakness.
You know, yesterday, Melanie told Nicklos, a big Sabahan guy I’ve bet mefore, that I was staying alone at the Copthorne Hotel, and he said, “Wah! So brave!” hahaha okaaayyyy….

11.22am
Just finished teabreak. Trevor (one of the speakers) was speaking just now. He talked about how sometimes we get stuck on getting to know just Jesus and not the Father. Jesus’ main goal was to bring us to the Father but we forget that so many times. Also, it wasn’t common for people to refer to God as ‘Father’ during Jesus’ time, so when Jesus brought it up so early in His teaching, people were probably shocked.
The people here are really nice. As in, the team that is serving/staffing this seminar.

1.55pm
Lunch just over. The meat today was grilled fish. Yum. The teaching just now was really good. All the revelation James was imparting was amazing. I think the part that really got me was when he said, when we are in the Father’s love, we won’t care what others think of us. Because God, Almighty God, is loving us! Why do we need to be afraid? Also, once we experience the Father’s love and live in it, we automatically become Christians that we ought to be. We don’t have to strive. The Father’s Heart is the foundation of every teaching of Christianity. He also said that when we are in His love, we won’t worry. It will be hard to worry. Because we can’t help but know that He is taking care of us and WILL take care of us. Fore me, I’ve been worrying so much recently about what I’m gonna do during my free time (Sun and Mon) and this guy I just met told me that he’ll be happy to take me around Penang if I want. Haha I don’t have anything to worry about. Seriously. Yesterday, Rick and Melanie told me if I need anything, I can call them. How nice of them, considering that they are so busy. We still have half an hour til sessions start again.

5.27pm
Wow the soaking session was really weird. Ok it wasn’t weird, it was cool…I can’t describe it. Soaking sessions does different things to different people. I think I fell asleep, I’m not sure. But something did happen. A stirring, an awakening within me. It felt…so outerworldly. Suddenly there’s this longing for Him, ready for Him to fill. I think I’ve tried to block it and close it so it wouldn’t hurt and now it’s open. It hurts, of course, but it has to open before it can be filled. Wow. It was so weird! But so cool…like He took me out of here. Just brought me to who know’s where. Like a deep deep sleep. Really nice.

I was quite obviously stunned and shakened by what happened during the soaking session, I couldn’t explain it. I think it’s something that is not meant to be explained. Coz human minds can’t understand things of the spiritual. But it was really weird and really cool.

6.28pm
Dinner’s just over. You know what, they said that there was a change in schedule for Thurs. Instead of the class going all the way until night, it will end at lunch and the evening will be free time. Because some people might not have the means to go around Penang looking for their dinner, they will be providing packed dinners during lunch for those people to pick up on that day. However, you need to sign up. And since I fit all those criteria, I told myself that I should sign up. But…I didn’t really feel like I should. Didn’t feel the peace. But I banished that thought. I needed dinner for Thurs. Anyway I put a pin on it. Then after the soaking session, I asked God again, should I sign up? And immediately NO! I could feel it so clear. No? Okay God. I won’t sign up. What am I going to do about dinner then? Don’t worry about it.
But despite hearing God so clearly, I still went to look at the list, look at how many people had signed up already, just hang around where the list was. But as I moved closer to the list, I felt this deep discomfort in me, like a deep discord. As I moved away from the list, I felt this overwhelming peace come over me. So weird.
Anyway, during dinner I was sitting across Alex and he asked me, “Do you wanna go out on Thurs night?” I’m like yeah! but I didn’t say that lah. I just looked surprised and said why not? And guess what…he is bringing another guy too and that guy is one of the team serving and Alex is not someone I can immediately relate to, so having someone else there will be good. Cool!

I feel so bad even writing this now. I was so blinded by judgment, I could only see what was and not what could be. Haih…

9.17pm
Back in my hotel room. Sigh…happy sigh, not sad emo sigh…He’s awesome. The teaching is so awesome. It’s so little of imparting knowledge and so much of imparting His LOVE. This whole process has already been so awesome and it’s only the beginning! Trusting God and all that stuff took so much faith but His timing is perfect. The time when I needed Him being there, He was SO revealed to me. It’s like talking to myself or my imaginary friend but He answers back! The greatest friend I could EVER have. So awesome. Can’t wait to see and, more importantly, FEEL more of Him.

That night when I got back, I was expecting a lonely night, because my parents had gone back. But I could feel His love with me and even as I opened the door of my room, all the fear just got squashed. I showered and had conversations with Him. I laid in bed and talked about the day with Him. I WANTED to read His Word and I understood what I was reading! It was amazing. The longing that He opened up was for Him to fill. And when He filled it, I felt whole. His timing was seriously perfect.

9 June 09 (Tues)
6.45pm
Love woke me up this morning. Really.
Yesterday, I went to sleep the happiest I’ve ever been.  Somehow, something clicked. I felt His presence. He was right there with me. I was talking to Him. He was talking to me. It was awesome. I was right there curled up in His arms, having the time of my life. I know this is what I’ve been looking for, what I’ve been missing. The sunrise, as usual — beautiful and amazing. God always amazes me. He is ALWAYS at work.

9.17am
I’m in the school chapel now. Walked over from my hotel early. So I reached 15 min before is starts. Cool. My eyes are a bit tired but if God wants to wake me up at 6.30 and wakes me jup until I cannot sleep, then I know He will give me strength and alertness. It’s hard now to talk about Him in third person. Talking straight to Him seems so natural now.

1.48pm
Ooo wow…James’ teaching just now was awesome. He did this forgiving thing. Fathers and mothers forgiving thing. It was really powerful. Releasing our parents, canceling the debt they owe us. Coz people who have hurt us owe us something and forgiving them means canceling that debt. It was so freeing.
Btw, Alex is so nice. He brought a sleeping bag for me! Aaww…Also, just now I sat beside this man for lunch. Met him at the hotel. He’s staying there, too. And I think I had the most easiest
Now I feel like I can talk to anyone…no problems. Let’s hope not anymore. convo I’ve ever had with an adult! It was amazing! Haha I think I talked too much. =X Haha but he’s so nice, too.

The reason why he brought a sleeping bag for me was because of the soaking sessions and resting times. He didn’t want me to lie down on the ground. I still think that was super nice of him, considering he just met me!

6.41pm
Dinner was chicken rice. But now how you think it is. The rice was oily rice, yes, but it wasn’t all packed into styrofoan boxes, no. The chicken were big pieces and it was buffet style. Nice chicken. Yum.

11.46pm
I still can’t believe God loves me the way I am. It’s true! I don’t have to change! He MADE me this way. If people want me to get fatter, it’s THEIR problem. Cool! His love for me is being slowly revealed to me. I’ve never really understood why some people are so passionate for God. Now I do. This is stuff people can give their lives for! And they have no problems with it! Because they have eternity to live with Father!
Time to sleep. Zzzzzz

Maybe I was too excited or something. I didn’t realize something was missing from my hotel room.

10 June 09 (Wed)
7.06am
Wow…sunrise…beautiful again. He is so creative! Like…yesterday’s theme was brilliance…strong streaks of shining orange with stretches of pink cirrus high above. I remember coming back from breakfast and the sea and sky were completely shaded together! The most perfect shading ever! The part where the sea and sky came together was this brilliant glorious white and it was so bright I couldn’t look straight at it. It looked like the sea went on forever.
Today…it’s tranquility. Pink-orange painted across and grey whooshy clouds stretched over. Silhouetted against white. Just so hard to describe. It’s beautiful.
I had a weird dream. I was at some conference or something, there were quite a lot of people. My parents arrived and they had some news for me. They said I had won a scholarship! Hahaha so funny.
I’m still trying to process everything that has been taught. It’s been a lot of teaching.

The sea and sky shaded together

8.3oam
Back from breakfast.
I’ve been learning about how God loves just the way we are. Well, you know, my body shape, my face, God loves it all. Accepting that God loves my body shape was hard though. I was being told over and over again that I was thin until I thought it didn’t hurt anymore. But it still did. I had just suppressed it, sealed it, and never let it hurt again…but it still did.
Yesterday as I got ready to take my shower, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, naked. I quickly pulled the shower curtain across because I couldn’t bear to see my skinny self. I immediately felt God saying — ‘why are you so ashamed of yourself? There’s nothing to be ashamed of! Pull back the curtain and look at yourself again’. I reluctantly pulled back the curtain to reveal my skeleton-like body. Ugly, I thought. But then He said, “Look at my creation. What I created is beautiful. You ARE beautiful’. I stared at myself in the mirror, scrawny, gaunt and ugly. But He saw beauty. I don’t know how, but he did. If anything, this is just one of the things that show how amazing God’s love is. The world doesn’t understand it. Only one type of body is beautiful. But what God has created is beautiful and nothing God created is ugly. Nothing.
Today, I was getting ready for breakfast when I realized that my hair gel was gone. Strange, I thought. I looked all over the room, I looked in my bag, I couldn’t find it. My initial reaction was to panic. “What am I gonna do about my hair now?!” I looked in the mirror and realized my hair was quite short, didn’t really need gel. My second reaction was, “Someone stole it! Must be the cleaner!” I started to get angry. You see, that particular hair gell was a new one my mum had bought, so it was precious to me. Not to mention, Gatsby is considered expensive. But then I calmed down and forgave the cleaner for stealing it. I still felt abit angry though. Haha
After breakfast, I looked in the mirror again and God as saying, “Everything about you is beautiful…even your hair.” Oooohhh God wanted to show me that not only was my body and face beautiful, my hair was beautiful too and I shouldn’t try to change it. Buut he knew how dependent I was on hair gel so He had to take it away. He was challenging me to go through the whole day outside without gel in my hair and I am taking up that challenge. My hair is beautiful and I can live without hair gel. Period.
As I am writing, God has done it again. The shading, that beautiful shading, He’s done it again. The sea and sky merge into one. It is sooooo beautiful. Just wow…

9.23am
I just realized it. God took away my hair gel and taught me not only beauty but forgiveness! I’m canceling the debt, I don’t need the hair gel back. I’ve lost something but I’m canceling the debt. Cool. Practical lesson of BOTH subjects taught yesterday. I’m not even going to ask for it back. I’ll just go buy a new one.

I had actually thought of going to the receptionist and lodge a complain about my stolen hair gel. But at the lift, I met a couple who were participants in the seminar too, so while talking to them, I walked past the reception without asking anything.
I did ask about the hair gel a day later, though, just so the hotel staff knew about it. It was for the good of the hotel and the good of other people staying at the hotel. I never got it back. But by then, I didn’t expect it to return at all. I understood REAL forgiveness through that.

1.38pm
Lunch over. Baked buns and potatoes and chicken.
Cliff is such a cute man. He’s so old and so nice. He said to be during teabreak, “Lester? What a nice name.” I should have said something back said that his name is nice, too (I like his name) but I couldn’t. I could just laugh and smile at him. I think only 2 or 3 people have ever said that my name is nice. Sometimes I wished I had a different name. People always teased me with ‘molester’ and it cut so deep whenever I got hurt by it. I had suppressed and sealed that hurt, too. Anyway, it was nice to hear that.
James’ teaching session just now was so good! It’s like so so good. He shared what happened between him and his dad. That story is soooo powerful. So powerful. People started crying just hearing him tell it.

4.20pm
Lunchbreak over. I’m feeling really lonely and sad. Wondering whether it’s those uncomfortable-ness that James talked about. Mustn’t run though, he said.

6.36pm
Dinner was rendang. Yum yum.
Trevor talked about the orphan child and I think he did it really well. Really good ‘unpacking’ as Nora said. (Nora is someone I had met before at a King’s Kids’ in 2003). It really made sense, even though it was such a vague subject. I made sense to me. Coz I was feeling so lonely. We had some time to talk to God and let Him come into our hearts. Then suddenly people started laughing. Of course at first I was like, why you laughing?! I’m having my time with God! But then I felt God calling me over, calling me over to play. So I guess I followed. And I did start laughing. I didn’t know why I was laughing. At first I was laughing at the people laughing because they laughed so funnily. But soon I was laughing, too. A majority of the people were just looking on, though. It was really funny. Just laughing and laughing. Mine was more of just giggling but some people were howling with laughter, rolling on the floor, hugging their stomachs, just laughing. Hahaha

11 June 09 (Thurs)
7.03am
The sea looked restless today. My heart is restless, too. I don’t know why. Maybe God is uncovering some things within me and I’m not used to it being exposed. So used to hiding and covering. I realized I have so much of an orphan child. A lot of orphan child.

8.33am
I dunno how God works. But He definitely works wonderfully. My heart felt just so broken and it broke even more during breakfast. But He reminded me of a verse He gave me a few days ago. 2 Cor 4:17. For our light and memorable momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. Then I realized that, yeah, my troubles were light and momentary. And I should be thankful that they are achieving an eternal glory for me!
So I asked God, “What are my troubles like to You?” and He leaned closer to me and said, “Light and momentary.” Hahaha God has a sense of humour. But it is true that our troubles are big to us. However, once we have God’s perspective on things, it becomes light and momentary. It’s not GOD’s perspective.
Yesterday night, Father was speaking to me while I was falling asleep and He said something really funny, “You can’t love me like you want to, until you can relate to me like I relate to you.” I was like huh?! How to relate to you?! You’re God! Then He said Romans 4:24. I looked it up. At first it didn’t make much sense, but then I understood. The verses talk about Abraham and his unwavering belief in God and His promises. Because of that belief, God credited righteousness to him. I know now that my relating to God is holding on to His promises of His love even when I do not feel Him. He has waited for me for so long and now it’s my turn. It’s not that it’s cruel, it’s just His love. He wants me to learn to belief in His love and promises even in light and momentary troubles. Just as righteousness was credited to Abraham, I want this righteousness to be credited to me because I believe. And He is righteous. So if I am righteous too, we will be in full communion and unity. I do believe His love now.

9.17am
His love is surrounding me.
This two aunties asked me how old I am. Apparently they have been guessing my age. Yeah they guessed right. 16. The last thing one of them said was, “I can’t believe a young boy would want to come for something like this all alone.” Wow. I didn’t think I was being brave of anything when I came but this people apparently think so.

10.48am
Guess what God said! “I don’t want gel in your hair so I can run my hand through your hair.” Aaawww….

11.23pm
Sorry I didn’t write sooner. But straight after lunch, we went, so yeah. I had a lot of fun. Alex is REALLY nice. I’m loving him so much more now haha…I see inside now, beauty inside. I just had a lot of fun. Yeah. Waking up early again tomorrow. So I need my sleep. Gnite.

I was so tired I didn’t write what we actually did that afternoon. After lunch, we set out on our trip. There were four of us, Alex, our host, Regi, a really nice man from India serving as part of the team,  Joseph, the man I had a really nice conversation with, from Singapore, and me. So Penang took KL, Singapore and India around Penang. You could also say young adult took near fifties, early forties and teenage student around Penang. What I’m trying to say is, we were quite a diverse group.
We were not sure where we wanted to go, but one of the things needed to be done that day was–buy a handphone. That was Regi’s only request. So whatever we did, we needed to buy a handphone.
First, we stopped by the Tropical Reserve. Took a walk around. Kinda dirty. Less than an hour after we arrived, we were outta there.
Next we went to Bukit Jambul, because, according to Alex, they have the best handphone deals. The place is kinda run-down, but the handphone shop was a cool place. A lot of designs and the two guys at the shop were really friendly. I asked Regi why he needed a handphone and he said it was for his son. Ooohhh. Hahaha then he asked me what kind of phones I liked. I showed him my phone. Not the most canggih one, but still okay. In the end he chose the same model as mine. Haha.

Spot the error

After we got the phone, we went looking for sandals, coz Regi’s other request was to buy sandals. We found a place, but Regi said he didn’t really need one, even though the slippers he was wearing was wearing out! Joseph said, “That’s a father, right there.” I agreed, “He puts the wants of his child before his own needs!” We all laughed.
We left that very empty place and went to Queensbay Mall! I love Queensbay Mall. So posh and high-end. Hahaha we walked around, I bought something for my sis, Regi bought some stationary to send his dad a letter. The day before, we had all written letters to our parents, not necessarily to send, just to write out our emotions and asking for forgiveness and thanking them. Powerful stuff. For some, it needed to be sent, as was Regi’s case.
We went to eat a little bit before our dinner, which was going to be somewhere along Macalister Road, I think . Anyway, we had some cendol and stuff. Then we left and went to Ghee Hiang, to get some biscuits. Not for me, for Joseph who got some for Regi. Then we walked over to this hawker place. Ate our dinner and then went back. Yup. I had a lot of fun that day.

12 June 09 (Fri)
6.49am
I just woke up like that. Through the curtains I saw some bright colours, so I pushed it aside and saw — beautiful sunrise! It’s amazing, the creativity of God. Everyday is different. The sunrise is getting more and more beautiful as I write. The colour is slowly seeping into the clouds, giving them an underside shadow that is one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen. It is so so so pink and it’s Eunice’s birthday. Now the specks of clouds have just been infected with this bright pink. It’s turning orange now. I can’t believe it. I’m just staring at it with my mouth open.

7.03am
Okay I should say. It was this specks of gray clouds just pulled across the sky. The colours behind were pinkish and orange. Then slowly the pink started to seep in and there were pink undersides of the clouds below. The pink traveled up the clouds until finally the whole flock of grey specks were shaded with pink! Most incredible sunrise I’ve seen. The pink slowly turned into orange and then the specks started to disperse. No words can describe. It was amazing.

8.44am
Breakfast…haih…there’s a Chinese church camp going on this weekend here at Copthorne, so there’s a lot of people during breakfast. I don’t really like the crowded-ness, but it’s ok. Father can stand it, so can I.
Yesterday before lunch, James was ending the session and he asked some men to come up and join him to apologize to the women–masculinity to femininity. ALL the men started going up. I was like er…if I go up, it doesn’t really make sense, coz my femininity had been hurt so much it needed to be said sorry, too. I didn’t feel like I had anything to say sorry to femininity either coz I treasured that all the time. If anything, I need to say sorry to masculinity! But because I break so easily under peer pressure, I was ready to go out. But then God calmly said – Don’t go out -. I stopped and looked around. A few aunties mouthed to me that I didn’t need to go out. I was too young, they thought. That wasn’t my reason though. I sat back down and saw all the men go out. When they started apologizing, my heart started weeping. I didn’t know it, but my femininity had been put down so much that I always brought it up. The more it was put down, the more I brought it up. So when the men started saying sorry, it felt like the hurt I’ve had from older men and guys were healed. Not immediately, but slowly. Some women started weeping uncontrollably. I was weeping inside, deep weeping. No tears came out.
Later, Trevor came to me and told me not to feel bad that I didn’t go out. Nice of him. I should have told him then that I felt like I shouldn’t go out. But I didn’t. Shy me. Gah. I’ll tell him later.

1.48pm
I still haven’t told him. Now we’ve got a break but Trevor’s not here. The speakers are still eating lunch. I really wanna know whether the pain I keep feeling is the uncomfortable-ness that we are bound to feel. I really don’t know. Well I hope it is, coz if it’s not, then what is it?! Oh Father…
James spoke about his Spirit in us and then Trevor spoke of how we got the Spirit in us. After that we had a time to just let Him fill us with His Spirit. Initially I started seeing very random stuff. Then I put my hands over my face and then suddenly everything started to get white. It was soooo bright, so brilliant and so white it could blind you. And I felt so dirty. That’s what His presence does. My vision started moving into the center, like I was traveling INTO Him, into His heart. It was black and white stuff and it was just so  so out-of-this-world. Never experienced anything like that before. And as I went in and in, Denise, who was taking that time said something like, He is smiling at you and I could see His smile, just His smile, not His face. It was like at the center of it all. Then Denise ended the session and it was time for lunch. I think other people experienced something, too coz there were still people lying down and resting when I left.

2.28pm
Ok great. I finally told him. But I didn’t tell him the femininity thing. =/

I think at that time I still wasn’t really ready to talk about it.

6.00pm
I don’t know what’s happening. It’s like…He was supposed to comfort my pain. Where is He? I don’t feel Him, I don’t feel His love. Where did He go? Even the hugs didn’t seem to work. Can’t be something wrong with them. Must be something wrong with me. And what is wrong with me?! Father, fill me with Your love. Comfort my pain. I NEED You. I WANT you. I can’t live with this pain all my life. I need You to fill me. Comfort me, please. I beg You please. Just comfort me. I can’t do this anymore.

6.42pm
I was hurting so much I can’t believe it. My eyes read pain, even when I forced a smile. We did this hug thing, where the team spread out across the room and you could go to anyone for a hug. And then that person would pray for you and ask God to comfort you through them. I felt like I should go to Nicklos, partly because no one was going to him at that moment. I went over. We hugged. He prayed for me…and I didn’t feel anything. I was just so distracted. I went back to my seat and felt so horrible. Others around the room were bawling their eyes out and I didn’t feel anything! Then I felt like He wanted me to go to Trevor. I was so stubborn. I just couldn’t go. I had opened my heart and He hadn’t come in si I didn’t want to do it again! After I don’t know how many times God pushing me to go, I closed my eyes and saw Trevor standing there with his hands in his pockets. I opened my eyes, turned around, and there he was! Exactly like in what I saw, he was standing there, hands in pockets, no one was with him. I quickly got up and went over. He was really nice; he hugged me, prayed for me, and blessed me. I walked away unchanged. Nothing had happened. I was hurt beyond reason. “Why would God do this? He is good, isn’t He? Why why why” I couldn’t stand it. The hurt was unbearable. I went for dinner, hurt in my eyes. I sat down a bit further from the others and started eating. Somehow, the realization came on me. I think it was Him. He showed me a word — believe. I remembered what He had said about relating to Him. I realized that I needed to just believe that He loved me and not dwell in the hurt. So I prayed, “Father, I believe you love me and You’ll always love me. I hold on to Your promises…” something like that. It was a simple prayer, but as I prayed, a smile slowly crawled up my face. I felt happy. I felt whole. It was a total 180. And it was just believing. Crazy stuff.

11.41pm
It’s so late. But I went out supper with this two couples. Aunties and uncles. Funny lah they. Inside, they’re really like children. I didn’t have to pay for anything. We ate durian, ice kacang, satay. Wow…I just decided to say ‘yes I’ll go’. And there. I got supper provided. Hahaha I also realized that I didn’t pay anything for my whole dinner last night! Totally free! Crazy…
The teaching was incredible INCREDIBLE. I always thought that my weakness was going to be solved or something and the strength and power of God will be shown. No. We’re supposed to embrace our weaknesses. Aaha…didn’t see it that way at all! Oh wow…I’m so free now. Heavy burden just lifted.

This was the happy night. The last night of the seminar, so everyone was on a high. Plus, the teaching that night was so uplifting. I had just got into my hotel room when I heard a knock on the door. It was Eric, an uncle that was also staying on the same floor as me. He asked me whether I wanted to join him and his wife and some others for supper. I looked at him and said the inevitable, “I don’t know.” Hahaha I really had no opinion. I mean it was already 9pm by then and tomorrow was another early morning, but going for supper would be nice. Eric was like, “Just come la!” Ok ok I’m coming!
It was the last night for a lot of participants because they were staying for only one week. Eric and Yumiko, his wife and their friends, another couple, were going back the next day. So I just joined them loh. It was nice. I didn’t pay anything.

13 June 09 (Sat)
6.51am
Cold rainy morning. The tennis court right below my balcony has dark shiny patches. The sea is just sitting there, the wind blowing it every way. Huge gray cumulonimbus clouds stretched over the sky, slowly being pulled away by the wind. Colours are absent this morning, just a hint of orange-pink in the sky. Behind the clouds at the horizon, an outline of mountains are silhouetted with mist clothing their feet.

7.21am
The dark clouds have become long stretches of grey and the colours revealed are purple pink orange. So beautiful. behind the clouds, there is a creeping light from behind. I was wishing the clouds didn’t look so dark and menacing. But He was saying to me, “If there weren’t any dark clouds, there wouldn’t be any contrast. Yes Father, You’re the ultimate artist. The outlines of mountains are still settled in mist but there is a purple glow and the edges of the clouds are just shining with brilliance. I thought He had forgotten me, making a dull sunrise. But no, He never forgets.
Though the sorrow may last for the night, The joy comes in the morning. Yes Lord.

8.47am
I feel led to help * (name not mentioned for personal reasons) with some money to pay for her fees for next week. The reason why she can’t attend next week is because she doesn’t have enough money. I do feel peace about it, but I feel some unrest, too. I’m not sure.

8.54am
Just called my sis, she says go ahead. Yeah. Cool

This thing started since Thursday. After I had ‘remet’ her, coz she had forgotten who I was, I had kept seeing the words ‘Ask * ‘. I seriously had no idea what I was supposed to ask her. Selfish me, I thought maybe I was supposed to ask for transport to church? Hahaha I had no idea. On Wed, walking out of my hotel towards the school, in front of me, I saw * and her friend. I caught up with them and started talking. I still didn’t know what to ask. The next day, walking towards the school, I went past the carpark and saw that they had just gotten out of their car and were coming towards me. How strange, I thought. Two days in a row, I meet them while walking to the school. We started talking again, this time they jokingly accused me of stalking them hahahaha. I still didn’t have any clue what to ask. Then after the teabreak that day, I was talking to *, and I asked her whether she was coming for the next week. She said she didn’t have enough money. She stated the amount she needed and said if God wanted her to go, He would provide the money. After that conversation, that amount of money got stuck in my head. I kept seeing it over and over again. Then I realized the ‘Ask * ‘ was this! I was supposed to help her with the fees! Initially, I had wondered why my parents gave me so much money for my time in Penang, but then I knew why! It was to help others! Once it got into my head, it drove me crazy. I needed to do it. I couldn’t waste this opportunity.

6.59pm
You will not believe where I ended up FGA Penang! haha we went for early dinner just now. Cendol, ais kacang, laksa, char koay teow, lobak, with Alex, Joseph and Regi, us four again. After that we went around Komtar and Prangin Mall. Alex fetched the other two back but I decided to go for the Youth Service with him.

I walked past this sign and thought, “It makes so much sense!” One of the reasons why I went for seminar was because I felt burnt-out.

This morning, I kept changing my mind about giving the money. I finally decided to do it. But that was after I talked to her and asked her whether she actually wanted to come next week. She said she wanted to come, so that was on confirmation. I needed to get Alice, so I could talk with her about paying. I ran back to the chapel during lunch and found her inside. No one else was inside. Another confirmation. I knew I needed to do it them. “Alice!” I whispered sharply. Even though she was all the way across the hall, she heard me.
She came over, “Yes what is it, Lester?”
“Okay this might sound weird but…I feel led to help pay for *’s fees for next week.”
She nodded her head. She had probably done this countless times.
“How much do you think she will need?” I asked. Suddenly, a huge gripped me. What if the amount was not in my budget? What if * had mentioned it wrongly and it actually cost more than I thought? What if I didn’t have enough money to do this? All these ran through my head.
Alice looked up at the ceiling as she calculated the numbers. “She has paid…so that would mean she still needs …” She stated a number a little higher that the number * had mentioned. “Is that in your budget?” she asked.
“Well I was thinking around …” I stated the amount I had been seeing.
“Okay then, I’ll tell her that this much has been provided by–do you want to do this anonymously?”
Oh thank You Father. That was exactly what I wanted!
“Yes!!” I almost screamed. Hahaha
“Okay then,” she said, “I’ll tell her this much has been paid for anonymously and she just needs to cover the rest. Then I’ll get back to you. Okay? Oh you’re such a doll!”
“A doll?!” I thought. How on earth am I like a doll?! HAHAHAHAHA I knew what she meant, though.
As we left, she said to me, “Don’t you just looove secrets?” I nodded eagerly and we giggled away like little kids.
Alice came back to me later saying that * was thinking about it. * came over much later and announced that she was attending next week! So that means she had decided. I just pretended to look surprised. I gave Alice the money later, and that was it. It felt great.
The youth are praying now. Pre-service prayer meeting. They seem quite passionate about it. At least, some of them do.
The teaching by James, Denise and Trvor ends this week. I feel kinds sad that they’re gone, oz I wish I could talk to them about what happened for me. But His work is not yet complete, so I can’t really explain what He’s done in me. I don’t really understand it yet. I hope I can email then or something.
I remember seeing James for the first time and thought, “Wow, his face has so many layers.” I now know why. He is actually one of the first people, I think probably the first, where I can actually see so much of God in that person. That filling of God was exactly what it was. And I really want that. That eyes…I really want that. James talked about when he was younger and he wanted that eyes that he saw in someone he admired. It’s like the same thing hahahaha. I think the service is going to start soon.

14 June 09 (Sun)
7.23am
I woke up at 6.30 and was like…Lord! the sunrise is not even up yet! But I could see some light coming from behind the curtain, so I got up and pulled open the curtains and wow! it was like a crazy brilliant sunrise! There were this huge gray, dark grey clouds and the colours behind were pink orange and the colours behind were pink orange and they were intense! There was a shroud over the land on the other side and I realized it was a raincloud raining over that part. It was just incredible. I could not stop staring. It was beautiful. Insanely beautiful. I just sat there and watched it slowly change. It got brighter and brighter and the big grey clouds started creating shapes as they ascended. As all clouds do. There was this stretch of cirrus clouds and it was so gloomily grey. It looked so horrible. I asked God, “God, the grey clouds look so angry.” As I spoke, colour began to take over. Soon, the whole stretch was shining with bright pink. It turned into orange, brilliant orange. I’ve never seen anything like that. On the right there was this part of the sky that had mist over the land across the sea and the clouds right above it were cirrus orange. I didn’t make sense, coz cirrus clouds are supposed to be up there, but it was down there. And that part looked like an achingly beautiful painting of a desert with mist and brilliant colours. It was amazing. I thought one of the clouds looked like a camel and it was like traveling this beautiful desert.
Anyway, Alex stayed over with me! It was so funny. On the way back from church, he asked me, really scared, if he could spend the night. I was surprised, not because I didn’t want him over, but because the thought had actually crossed my mind when he had stopped over for a shower that afternoon. But I had barely entertained that thought, and banished it away. Haha I thought it was one of my selfish twisted thoughts, but when he asked me and I said I had actually thought of the same thing, we started laughing, “It’s confirmation!” he said.
Then he said, ” I know this is weird, coz I’m already so old but I need to ask my granny permission first.” He and his granny stay together, so he needed to ask her. And he wanted to take me there! The options were as follows: if she says yes, he would come and spend the night. If no, he would fetch me to the nearest busstop and I’d take the bus back to my hotel which is right across a busstop. (Later I realized he was joking) Of course I wanted him to stay over, and he obviously wanted too. But I started to pray. Haha I was nervous, coz I was actually going to be meeting her and going into the apartment. But as I was walking up the stairs, I knew already what the answer would be. It would be yes, I knew it in my heart. He told me that He will give me the desires of my heart and knew our desires. Anyway, so I met her, went in, sat down, Alex sat his granny down and started giving a big picture before asking the question. I had nothing to do so I started to pray. “Please say yes, please say yes,” even though I already knew the answer. They were speaking in Hokkien so I had no idea what they were saying. I heard her say Ok and Alex say Ok and even though I didn’t know to what they were saying Ok, I felt this peace just come over me. I knew she had said yes. Somehow.
Then Alex got up and said he was going to pack. I still had nothing to do, so I started praying for the granny. I wanted God to tell me how He felt about her. His love started rushing into my heart and my heart started to ache with His love. He kept saying, I love her so much, I love her so much, and I was just praying that her heart would be revealed to His love. I prayed for don’t know how long, as long as when Alex was getting ready go. I felt this deep sorrow and loneliness about her, so I just kept praying that she would realize that He loved her so much. I prayed that His love would just fill the apartment as she spent the night alone. My heart was just so burdened.

8.31am
In Fettes Park Baptist Church now, just met Chin Nee. Need to wait for her.
Anyway, after Alex said, “Let’s go,” the burden lifted. And I felt Him saying, “I will do it. I will show her my love, I will surround her with My love, surround her with My joy, with peace…” As we left, we said bye, but she kept asking Alex things as we walked away. Finally we left and went to the car. I knew she was watching from the balcony. I looked up at her as we pulled away I felt this deep sadness. I even feel it now. I told Alex about it on the way back, and he was speechless. hahaha.
On the way back, we dropped by this burger place. I paid for the burgers and then we went back to the hotel.
We had so much fun. I think I have never in my life connected with someone so deeply. His English is far from perfect, so I’m surprised that sometimes I don’t even realize he is speaking broken English. I’m totally fine with it. And since I’ve met him, I’ve never corrected his English one. Not once.
We talk and talk, I told him like…my whole problem and struggles and everything and I didn’t even feel embarrassed at all. And he didn’t do any condeming at all. He was encouraging, though. And he said he didn’t want to say goodnight coz he didn’t want it to end. Aaawww
In the end we fell asleep but we talked for a long time. And he also said he was thankful that I talked without any inhibitions and I told him I had never done anything like this, talking to someone so freely. It’s definitely the work of the Father in me. You know I think we’re both the same age inside, coz we talk so easily and we have sooo much in common, more than we know. I feel so natural around him, like the brother I never had. hehehehe Thank You Father.

15 June 09 (Mon)
8.19am
I didn’t write for so long coz we were so busy doing things. After church, I went with Regi and Joseph straight to Gurney Plaza. We ate at Chili’s and talked for a long time. Then we went to watch 17 again. After that, we left for Penang Hill, took the train up, hung out, took the train down. But that time, it was night. We went to eat Bak Kut Teh and I couldn’t wait to get back so I could rest. We finally did, and I felt so conked out. Alex and I still talked all night and also when we woke up. Actually, I started feeling really sad after the movie. The sadness continued until I went to bed. I told Alex about it and he said he could tell. He asked me whether I wanted a hug. So he hugged me and I felt better. Much better. I could giggle and laugh after that. Hugs are powerful. Anyway, it was a long day.

The first thing I saw when I got up on Penang Hill was a rainbow!

The Penang Hil experience wasn’t really a nice one. It was so crowded in the train, and I don’t really like crowded-ness. Also the place up there was okay, I guess. Maybe I just feeling sad at that time. Or maybe too tired. Haha

3.05pm
Back from a trip out. We went out with Joseph (Alex and I agreed that day that Joseph kinda looked like the animated Mr. Bean), ate really nice food at King’s Street, went to this traders’ market place at Prangin, really cool place. Then we went walking at the market at Kuala Kangsar, went into the narrowest market ever, went here and there and then came back. I’ve been feeling weird. Like…the Father’s love is not really felt. Sigh…But I know He loves me, and nothing can stop me from believing.

I discovered the joy of taking pictures with your handphone that day. As a result, I got loads of photos to share now hahaha.

It says: Prangin Market Traders Association Penang

We had been learning so much about following our hearts and not our minds.

If you can see it, it says ‘Hang Sin’. Good job guys. Your effort to curb sin is commendable.

Nice view of Komtar

Piccadilly? Hmmm…reminds me of Monopoly.

The market was kinda narrow, so me and Joseph got pushed up against this watch stall as a lorry tried to drive through. I could feel the lorry brushing my back as it went pass. As I snapped this photo, I unknowingly stuck out my left elbow and then suddenly I felt something hit my elbow. It was one of the boards on the back of the lorry. No injury. It was just the impact that hurt.

Yup, we really know your ta te better. See? You don’t even know what’s a ta te. We seriously know your ta te better than you.

to be continued…

Mother’s Day 09

So…Mother’s Day was kinda busy for me. I was involved in the presentation (which was under Children’s Ministry) but I kinda was dragged into it. I’m not complaining though. I had fun doing my job. Which was mostly just doing a video showing the kids answering questions about their mums. The other part of the presentation, which was a song, was handled by others (though I did help abit =D)

For those who haven’t seen it or wanna see it again, here it is:

more about “Mother’s Day 09 (FGA Cheras Children)…“, posted with vodpod

I must say, I felt really satisfied as I watched the audience laugh their heads off. It was like a cinema audience watching an incredibly funny short film. Seriously.

After the video, the kids took to the stage and sang a song. The audience enjoyed that one, too.

Alvin giving a standing ovation

Oh my…this must have been the highlight of the day. Kai Ming’s ‘U!”

My mum waving. Usual pose

After the presentation, I put away my guitar which Kui Ling had used for the song and as I walked away, Leroy (or LeRoy or Leeroy or LeeRoy or Lee Roy or Le Roy I’m not sure which one), Elizabeth Tan’s (who was the speaker) son, signaled to me, saying he wanted to use the guitar later.

I signaled back, “Later?”

He nodded his head.

Okaaayyy great. The speaker’s son wanted to use my guitar. But then I realized that it was good that my guitar was there so we at least had a presentable acoustic guitar for him to play. You see, last week, I had accidentally left it in church because I had a bit too many things to think about. On Wednesday, I again forgot to bring it back. By Sunday, I was repeating to myself, “You need to bring back your guitar, you NEED to bring back your guitar.” Even then, I still needed some reminders. Haih. Anyway, on Mother’s Day, it was still in church, so it ended up being used for the presentation and speaker’s ending song. I knew then the reason why I had left my guitar in church.

Me and my sis made an interesting gift for my mum. I’ll blog about it later.

Of Shopping, Cooking, and Other Things

So on Thursday was Jusco Member Card Day. My mum, my sis, and I decided to go shopping at the Jusco near my house since there was sale. We knew there was going to be lots and lots of people but we thought if we went early, we could beat the crowd.

We reached there just before 10 am and guess what? There were cars everywhere! There were cars parked at the side of the whole road leading to the mall and all the parking spaces at the warehouses opposite Jusco was filled with the cars of people shopping in Jusco. LOL and there were people from everywhere walking into the mall. Some were even running in, hoping to get a piece of that sale.

There were so many cars that they had to close the front entrance to the car park inside, and so my mum, wanting a space to park inside, went round to the other entrance which had a lot of cars, too. We managed to get in, though. Every available space was filled, even some of the curbs had cars squeezing in. My mum drove up to the covered carpark and it was so congested! A looong line of cars were waiting for parking spaces, and anybody walking out of any entrance immediately became a target of all the vigilant drivers waiting. My mum decided to just make a huge round to look for spaces instead of tailing someone to their car, which is a bit freaky lol…We passed two aunties coming out of the lift but they were walking in the opposite direction we were driving so we just let the other cars behind us have them. My mum continued driving and she had been saying that me and my sis could help by looking for any place and stand there to book it. Me and my sis were a bit reluctant to do that ’cause it wasn’t really fair for other cars and a bit pai seh la…But my mum became to insistent so we quickly got out of the car.

When we got out of the car, we saw the two aunties walk to their car which was right ahead of us. We quickly ran there and my mum sped there quickly. My sis asked the aunties whether they were leaving and they said yes we could take their space. I saw them load lots of toilet paper into their car. “The toilet paper must be really cheap,” I thought. So as my mum took their place, I looked around for an entrance and lo and behold! Right in front of that parking space was an entrance! Wheee…thank you, Lord.

As we walked into the mall, I started wondering where everybody was ’cause the amount of people in the mall looked so normal. Then I realized, “Of course! They are all at the Jusco section.” And oh my gosh there were so many people! Like that scene from Confessions of a Shopaholic where all the women are at the branded items sale, everyone was grabbing clothes and throwing them here and there, all the clothes laid out were a huge mess because people just grab, look, throw back. It was chaos! The women’s sections was especially chaotic ’cause you know women la, very kiasu wan hahahaha. The fitting rooms were always being used, and my sis had to wait a good 15 min before she could get in and try some clothes on. After my sis and mum decided on some clothes, I was stationed to wait in line at the cashier while my sis and mum took the oppotunity to go look at other sections.

I noticed a lot of people glancing at me and then staring at me. I looked down at what I was carrying–two blouses and a skirt. No wonder. Hahahaha.

The waiting at the cashier was just as long as the wait for the fitting room, if not longer. Finally it was my turn and my sis and mum came back in time to take the clothes from me since I looked so weird holding them lol…

After we paid for the clothes we quickly got out of Jusco section because it was just too much people. As we walked out, I glanced at the men’s section and wow! there were A LOT of men grabbing clothes, looking here and there, lining up for the fitting room, just like the women’s section! I looked at the time in my phone–12pm. I concluded that men are not so kiasu like the women who came early early. The men come later. Hehe

We ended up at Secret Recipe for lunch. We decided to save on drinks and order a pot of tea for all of us to share. We didn’t know that the pot was for one person, like a personal pot, so when it came, we started laughing ’cause it looked like this:

The cups were bigger than the pot! Hahahahaha. We poured out all the tea and it had  enough tea to  fill each cup only one-third way. We couldn’t stop laughing. Of course, can refill one la…haha so it wasn’t too bad.

After lunch, my mum wanted to do some grocery shopping, so me and my sis spent the rest of the time at Popular. I bought a pencil box, too, and some stationary so at least I joined in the shopping lol…

After my mum met us again, we went to get some ice cream from gelato fruity. Yum. Then we went back ’cause my mum had planned to do something special for the dinner that night.

When we got back, we all started making a pavlova! If you dunno what’s a pavlova, please go google it because you don’t know what you’re missing out on

A pavlova has many layers, so we went layer by layer. Look at the pics

I had lots of time to kill while the first layer was baking, so I played with the camera. Got this cool shot.

The first layer started getting brown.

Then it was time to take it out and put the second layer

After a layer of fruits and cream, it was one more layer of fruits.

And then after putting decorating it and letting it set in the fridge for a few hours, we took it out to eat it!

Watch as it disappears.

A pavlova is very filling, so we took our time eating it.

Soon it disappeared completely.

And it’s gone!

If you haven’t done it yet, you must put ‘Eat pavlova’ on your things-to-do-before-I-die list.

Anyway, on Saturday my BM tuition teacher saw my pencil box. “Akhirnya!” she exclaimed, “akhirnya!” Because I’ve never had a proper pencil box in my entire life. Bluek

Suf.fusion

I surprised myself. I went to a camp, knowing hardly anyone and came back feeling better than I did before I went. How strange!

After I was the only one from FGA Cheras left going for FGA USJ’s Impact Camp, I didn’t know whether I should stay or pull out just like all the others. (And those others, you know who you are.) I naturally didn’t want to go because I was the only one left, but at the same time, I felt like I had to go because I was the only one left. So I stuck with it and tried not to think of all the horrible things that would happen at the camp. I’m still very proud of myself for not letting my emotions overwhelm me before the camp. XD

At the pre-camp briefing, which wasn’t too bad, I found out that I was the leader of one of the games groups called Fusion. Oh dear, I thought. How am I gonna do this. Reluctantly, I gathered my flock of members and tried to put on a brave face. A while later, I went to Pastor Sue, begging her to do something about it. Instead, she encouraged me to go ahead and lead. Great, I thought. Now I guess I really have to lead this group.

Then we had to do our group’s signs (they called it scepters) and I went to get my notebook. Pastor Sue came over and asked me whether I could lead the group, still encouraging me to go ahead. I sighed and relented. After she left, I pulled out my sermon notebook and froze. I hadn’t realized it earlier, but printed right on the cover of my notebook was the word: fusion.

I stared at it. God, is this a sign? Okay God, I guess I will lead this group. I brought my notebook over to my group and showed it to them. They all laughed, but Jade, the 23 year old wannabe doctor studying in MU exclaimed, “It’s a sign!” Yeah I guess it was.

After the pre-camp briefing, I started getting excited about camp. I thought my group was quite a good one, with a very semangat assistant leader, so that was good. Finally the day came, and I trembled with excitement. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. As I reached the church, I realized I was sitting at the edge of the car seat. I was very nervous.

I got out of the car, and walked into a room full of bags, luggage, and unfamiliar people. I tried to feel confident, but there were people everywhere that I didn’t know! I started getting frightened. Hardly anyone was noticing me. Was that bad or good?

Joanna passed me the name tags and I handed them out to me group members. Then I checked on our sign, which looked great, but had a flimsy attachment. In the end, the bus came late, so I spent the hour doing my devotion, sitting alone, and trying to fix our sign.

When the bus finally came, I was one of the last to hop on, so by the time I got in, there were no seats left except one beside a guy and a pair right in the front. I, of course, took the one in front. I’ll admit, I was scared of that guy. (I think it was Brian. LOL)

However, there were a few more people who needed to sit, too. In the end, I got squashed between the window and Fermen.

Brian and the seat beside him that I was so scared to sit in. lol

It was quite a short journey. We finally reached there and we all gathered in the conference hall. By this time, I was feeling like crap. Seriously. I was thinking, “Okay, no one likes me, no one talks to me, this camp is going bad.” Don’t worry. I always do that. It’s not good, but now I know.

We had a short welcome and briefing. I had to pass out booklets to my group members. Then it was time to pick our mortals. One by one, we went out front to pick out a name from a plastic bag. I got Janice, someone I already knew from last year’s camp. Once everyone got their mortals, the whispering and laughing began. “Tell me! Tell me!” all the girls were saying to each other. And all the girls gave in willingly.

Then we trooped off to our dorms. I was stuffed into a dorm with 8 people. And that room is smaller than my bedroom. I don’t suffer from claustrophobia, but felt like I could contract that phobia right then.

After checking out our dorms, we went on tour around the campsite, which was quite big. A lot of walking required. Haha

Writing about all three days will be too much, so I’ll just pick out some essential few.

The Stone Game

During the briefing, the committee announced that we were going to play a long-term game. On the first three days, the committee was going to hide 9 stones around the campsite, three on each day. On each stone was a name of one of the committee and around it was tied a blue ribbon. If a group found a stone, they had to find the committee member whose name is on the stone and do whatever committee member told them to do. If they completed the task to the committee member’s satisfaction, the group got extra points.

That night, I was standing around chatting with someone when Ji Huey, my assistant leader, came running towards me screaming. She was waving something white in her hand. She handed it to me and it was a stone! That was the very first stone found. Ever. XD

The next morning, Firestorm, another group, found a stone. Then they found another stone in the afternoon. Firestorm – 2, Fusion – 1. So naturally all my team members were very trying their hardest to find another stone, just one more stone, so we could be head to head.

After the games, during shower time, I found Grace, one of my team members, taking a walk (which means looking for stones la) and I asked her whether she had seen my assistant leader. She pointed somewhere in front, so we went in that direction to catch up with her (she was also looking for stones). However, she and the person she was walking with, had made a huge U-turn, so in following them, we made a huge U-turn too, but thankfully we did, because while trying to catch up with them, Grace who was behind me suddenly shouted, “Wait! I saw something!” I turned, “What is it?” She stepped towards the bushes and peered in. Then she reached in a pulled out a stone! Aaaaahhhhh!

We screamed and the team members we were trying to catch up with came running. “We found a stone!!! Yay!” So we quickly assembled our group and found the committee member and then she told us our task which we completed later.

Waiting for session. Cheryl, Tze May, Jaclyn and Ji Huey my assistant leader

No more stones were found that day, because the committee had hidden them in unthinkable places. So the next day during session, they decided to rehide all the stones that couldn’t be found plus the new stones in easy easy places. After session was group time where all the groups had to practice their skits. We quickly wrapped up our practice and went out looking for stones. I was a bit doubtful because other teams were already roaming around looking for stones, so I didn’t think we stood a chance at all.

Then suddenly there were people screaming, shouting so we ran to check it out. On the way there, we passed two committee members who said our group had found 3 more stones. We were like =0 Really???

We gathered our group members that were all over the place and turns out we had found two more! Another group that previously had 0 stones found one, so the scoreboard stood at Fusion – 4, Firestorm – 2, Shockwave – 1.

We were so excited we decided to go look for the two remaining ones! We had barely started our search when they shouted, “Found one!” Wow… So now Fusion – 5, Firestorm – 2, Shockwave – 1. We felt like greedy kids now, so we decided to stop looking.

Later we asked Firestorm whether they found anymore, and they said they did find one more. So with all the stones found, the score board was Fusion – 5, Firestorm – 3, Shockwave – 1. Fusion rocked it out! Literally.

But don’t forget the tasks we had to do because of the stone. They included spelling Mississippi with our heads, eating 13 assorted pastries in 10 minutes (I ate two of the biggest ones), acting out a shampoo commercial, acting out given characters, and dancing an impromptu banana dance. In the end, I think it paid off, because it helped out group regain points that were lost in the games time, since my group wasn’t very sporty.

The Angel-Mortal Game.

A note for my mortal that I folded into a pig

Hmm. I guess I was a very good angel. I guess? No no I WAS a very good guardian angel. Don’t believe? Read this:

“I’m going to start with the guardian angel. I had a guy as my angel. He is the sweetest and most wonderful angel anyone could ever get. I’m saying this very sincerely. … Today, during lunch Amanda, Ee Leen, Pei Yi and I were talking about him. Someone then said if there is this GA (guardian angel) thing going on next year, we’ll all be hoping for him. It’ll be on our prayer list! lol.” – from Janice’s blog

“Janice had an awesome Guardian Angel who played his role really well! He slipped a note into her dorm everyday, giving her really sweet encouragement!” – from Ee Lean’s blog.

“Janice’s angel, Lester (the sole camper from FGA Cheras), gave her notes throughout the camp. He even folded a pig for her, see? Wowwww.
All us girls envied her for having such a sweet angel. The notes her wrote to her were just, WHOA! =DDDD
So so so sweet. He wins ‘Best Guardian Angel’ award hands down! We also said that many girls will be praying next year that he’ll join us for our 2010 camp, and that they’ll be praying to have him as their angel! Hahahaha.
He even slipped the notes beneath the door of her dorm early in the morning, okayyyy! GOSH!!! *fans self* Sweetness overload.” – from Pei Yi’s blog

Haaarrr. I WAS a good angel. XD

But my angel leh. So sad. Because not everyone came on the first day, some names weren’t picked yet on the first day. When nothing came from my angel throughout the first and first half of the second day, I started suspecting that my name hadn’t been picked yet. I pestered the committee to go and check whether my name hadn’t been picked yet and they finally did go and check and true enough my name hadn’t been picked yet. So I knew that my angel was one of the college/uni people that came on the second day.

Well I knew who Christopher was, he was the brother of Jade who was in my group, but I didn’t KNOW him. So I was quite surprised when he said hi to me that night. That was when I started suspecting that he was my angel. If I wasn’t his mortal, he wouldn’t have said hi, or even remembered my name (if you’re reading this Chris, no offense but it’s true and I don’t blame you XD). However, I had been trying not to be too hung up over this angel thing, and was always telling myself, if I didn’t have a good angel or no angel at all, it was okay.

Later that night, I was teaching Kenny how to fold a crane in my dorm when Christopher and Ren Yau who both had just came that day, knocked on our door. Ren Yau came in and said, “Hi Lester, special delivery for you.” Then Christopher came in and handed me NIPS. I tried to act cool and everything, saying thank you and then getting back to business but I from then on I was very sure my angel was Christopher. Because it was so nice to finally HAVE an angel, I of course started telling everyone that my angel had arrived! Lol…but the next day, I was delivered some tragic news. Christopher had a fever. And he had gone home.

OMG… I was like WHAT?! Whhhhyyyyy???? Why does this have to happen to me?!?!?! Okay maybe not that dramatic, but I was obviously disappointed and sad because my angel had come and left in less than 24 hours, and had only said hi and given me NIPS. I mean, of course it’s not too much to ask for more right? For goodness sake, I wrote an average of 3 notes per day for my mortal and folded three of them into origami and bought some stuff for her. But you don’t always reap what you sow in the same way.

And so since I had been telling others that my angel was Chris, I now told everyone that my angel had come and gone while everyone commiserated with me. By now I was sooo sure he was my angel because there was no sign from my angel at all since Chris had left.

However, that afternoon, Suet Kit, someone I had already known from last year, came to my dorm saying she wanted to speak to me. She told me that Chris was actually her angel! I was a bit taken aback but I started to believe her because of the proof she had. She and I both had our names picked late and only three guys had come late-Darrell, Ren Yau (her brother) and Christopher. Someone had told her that her angel was a guy so she went to check them out. She said Darrell had someone else for a mortal, Ren Yau couldn’t be her angel, so Chris was the only one left. I was quite surprised but it had to be true right? She then told me it was probably one of the girls. After that conversation, I was started being wary of the other girls who came late, but they mostly didn’t pay me any attention. So I was quite confused. Also, if I had a girl for an angel, I would by now have gotten at least one note. Boys don’t really send notes but any girl would send notes.

Later that day, I happened to be with the older girls when they were talking and I asked them whether any of them were my angel. They all showed genuine innocence and even guessed who it may be in front of me. Since we were on the subject of mortals and angels, one of them started talking about the nice pairings of mortals and angels. For example, Samuel got his sister as his mortal and Ren Yau had his sister as his mortal, too. I was surprised to hear that, but it wasn’t such a surprised considering all the clues pointed to Chris as being my angel. It was funny to see Suet Kit keep saying that the things she was getting was from Christopher and even saying that Christopher was calling people up to do things for her when in fact her angel was actually her brother! Lol…I really wanted to break the news to her, but I knew I should wait until the last day when we would all reveal to our mortals who we were.

It was quite funny, because Christopher was like this cool guy that everyone wanted to be with and subsequently the most wanted angel. And when I got him as my angel, there wasn’t anything special because he came and left in less than 24 hours. Sometimes, we make others what we want them to be, but when we’re stripped down to the bare essentials, it’s plain obvious that we’re all equal. And even though we’re all special, we’re never more special than anyone else . So that was my angel story.

Games
On the first day, the games were indoor. We played the do-you-love-your-neighbour game and charades. My group didn’t do too well in the charades, though, but I didn’t really care. It was just the first day.

The second day was Captain Ball. The first match, our team lost. Lol…Then we played again with the committee and tied. By that day, the scores so far had Radioactive in the lead followed by my team. I badly wanted my team to win of course, and was always looking for ways to increase my team’ points. But in the end, I told myself, “It’s okay if my team doesn’t win. As long as we had fun.”

The third day was station games. All the teams were given clues that would lead them to a station where they had to do a task. Our first station was golfing. All the group members had to chip the airball correctly before we got the next clue. Everyone else went first, while I tried to help them if they needed help (which they needed, of course). It is definitely not hard to hit the ball if you have no experience in golf whatsoever. So easy to miss the ball. Haha. I was the last one and another group was coming, so I quickly hit the ball (non problemo), we got our next clue and ran for the next station.

At our next station, we had to eat something gross. Well it was a gross mixture. Choc cereal and apple cider, with some water to mash it up. On their own they taste fine, but together? Ew. 11 of use had to finish about 16 scoops of it. After we finished it, we got our next clue and ran to our next station.

My stomach started to hurt as we ran, but I tried not to think about it. Our next station was shooting three pointers. We needed to shoot three or two in a row. Remember, my group is not very sporty, so we took a while to get three. In the end, Jonathan, our oldest male group member, shot all three.

Our next clue read, “Every shopping mall has this, especially 1 Utama.” I may have been to 1U a few times, but I do not know it as well as the others, so I let them guess what it was. They said gym, so we all ran to the gym but there was no one there. So next they thought obstacle course, but on the way there, we saw someone standing in the parking lot and realized that it was a car park. -.-’

At the car park station, we had to put together a square that was cut into pieces. It was like a jigsaw puzzle. We took quite a while to complete it, but when we were done, it was a picture of an obstacle course. But before we could run there, our group had to recite 1 Tim 4:12, the camp verse. Another group that had arrived at the same station had been trying to recite but kept getting it wrong. Jade, the car park station master, asked us to show how it’s done. We recited it correctly and ran off while the other group recited it one more time, this time correctly, because we showed them how XD

At the obstacle course, we had to wait, because one team was still completing the task and another group was also waiting. By the time it came to our turn, we knew how it was to be done. First we had to do the monkey bars while getting eggs cracked on our heads, then we had to either swing across a puddle of water or crawl through it, walk across the suspended beam thingi, get through a net of raffia string, crawl under a net with flour on the ground, and then run a whole circle back to the monkey bars, all this while being shot at by a huuuggee water gun. I somehow managed to do the monkey bars without getting an egg, slosh ONLY my feet in the puddle, walk the beam thingi without falling, got past the net and crawling quite easily and all these while loving the water gun because it shot water at such a nice speed. I think I got by without really being noticed because no one cared much about me, which is such an insult, but is so useful in times like these.

I was one of the first to complete the course, so while waiting I cheered on those who were running back to the monkey bars. Go Amanda! C’mon Xin Ying! Grace, I know you can run faster than that! XD

As our group assembled to get our next clue, I mentioned to Eunice, the station master, that I didn’t get an egg. Though I didn’t actually want an egg, I thought it was quite a shame to come to this camp, watch everyone get egged, and not get an egg myself. So I gladly bowed my head, not to pray, but to get an egg in my hair. The egg was warm from sitting in the sunlight and it felt like a half-boiled egg dripping down my neck. A bit gross, but tahan-able.

Our next station was right across the obstacle course. We kinda knew what we had to do, because we watched two teams do it while waiting for the obstacle course. All the team members except the leader had to be blindfolded and tied together. Two of them would hold a water balloon each. The leader would stand on one side and guide the group along a certain length of the skating rink. The tying took quite a while, so I passed the time kutuking Charis the station master, while also helping tie and blindfold my team members. Then we were set to go and I just gave directions to the ones in front and the whole team followed. I think we finished it in like a few minutes, which was good. I think? Lol.

After that, we had to find Jonathan Gerard for our next task. Except there was no task. He checked all our clues and then said, “Congratulations, you came in fourth.” We stared at him. “No task?” we asked in disbelief. “Nope, no task,” he answered in his nonchalant way. We all stood around while the fact set in. Okkkaaayyyy. Then we joined the other teams in the dining hall.

By this time, the egg had cooked in our hair. It was like natural hair gel. A very strong natural hair gel. I couldn’t wait to hit the showers.

Holding my team’s sign

That night was wannabe night, and everyone was supposed to dress up as something. I really wanted to be myself, I mean, what else do I actually want to be? But apparently we couldn’t dress up as ourselves. However, I didn’t know that because it wasn’t mentioned during the precamp briefing, so I actually didn’t bring anything to dress up as.

Group Performances

It was announced on the second day that all the groups had to do a performance of some sorts. Of course the easiest thing to do was a skit, but the catch was that it had to incorporate all the characters we were dressing up as. Our finalized skit had me as the narrator and also a cheerleader but what I was dressing up as was still at a dead end because I didn’t have anything to dress up as. Joanna tried to help me dress up as a nerd but it didn’t really turn out that well. In the end, I didn’t really dress up as anything, which was a bit weird. However, my role in the skit wasn’t really a distinct character so I guess it was okay? Lol

When we started planning our skit, we decided to make it random since we had so many weird characters, so our skit was just this random random story with not much of a moral or storyline. I was a bit worried during the practices that it would turn out very lame, but I told myself not to be so worked up over the skit. It was just a skit after all, no big deal. In most of my previous camps, the group that I was in always did badly during skit time. So I knew I wouldn’t be surprised if my group did badly this time, too.

We were the third group to do its skit, so when we got out there, we still were not sure of how good the other skits would be. Anyway, we went out and did what we practiced, with a little bit of improvisation and it turned out quite good, I thought. (If you wanna know how the story went, ask me. I’ll tell you the whole thing. )

After we were done, I passed by Joanna and she gave the thumbs up. “Good job!” she said. “Thanks,” I replied. I knew we had done quite a good job, but there were still three more groups to go.

By the time the last group had finished their performance, I had a feeling that my group had done quite well. The only problem was that the other groups had put in a lot of spiritual stuff, like points from Pas. Dennis’ messages, mentions of Impact camp, and biblical truths. Again, I had to tell myself, if we didn’t win best skit, it was okay.

Pas. Dennis and Pas. Sue were the judges, and when they finally gave the results to the chairperson, we were all ready hear the news. It was going to be listed from last to first, so my ears were all out listening for my group’s name. Sixth, not my group. Fifth, not my group. I was too busy listening out for my group’s name that I forgot about the other teams and their placing. 4^th place, not my group. 3^rd place also not my group. That put us in either 2^nd or 1^st place. We were all holding our breath. “In second place is….” the chairman said and I didn’t hear my group’s name. Fusion erupted into yays and cheers. We had won! But the chairmain still had to announced who was first. “In first place…is…FUSION!” Then we all jumped and screamed YAY! Hahahaha it was like the best feeling ever. I was so proud of my team.

After that was worship time and after worship time, we were all exhausted. For suppertime, we all gathered in the dining hall quietly in rows but then Charis announced that the reason they had gathered us was because we were going to do OBH! Some people started cheering and everyone started talking. As for me, I stared at Charis and wondered, “What on earth was OBH?” Charis then explained that it stood for Operasi Burung Hantu. I was like errrr and what on earth is that? “You all will be blindfolded and you just have to follow a string all the way.” We were also told to keep our hand out and feel with our feet. We just had to be careful. After getting blindfolded and waiting for a while, I was the very first one to go. Someone led me to the start and off I went. I kinda knew where I was because of where I started but the string went on and on it felt like I was walking into the unknown. Pillar and the another pillar and I was quite sure where I was. I reached some stairs and then I was VERY sure where I was because there was no other stairs like that. The stairs led to the court and the floor felt like the floor in the court. Having no one in front of me but many people behind me was a bit frightening, especially because Dominique and Daniel started catching up with me and making me feel like I was so slow. After walking for quite a long time in the court and hearing someone whisper in my ear, “Follooww meeeee,” to which I immediate replied to saying “Follow you? Follow you where?” to no answer, I walked out of the court. I knew I was out of the court, but I didn’t know in which direction I was walking. Dominique who was behind me, started saying that he knew where we were and that there was a drain coming up. I didn’t really care what he was saying because he can talk really big sometimes. I could hear a lot of people behind me, and the ground felt like a long stretch, so I started speeding up and all of a sudden, my foot touched nothing and I was falling falling. It was one of the scariest feelings I have ever felt. My elbow scraped against a wall, and I knew immediately that I had fallen into the drain. Natural instinct told me to hold on the string and thank God I did because my foot did not even touch the bottom of the drain. So there I was, dangling from a string, not knowing where I was, and wondering whether anyone saw me fall in. This all happened in a split second, because then I heard voices calling my name and two pairs of hands grabbed my arms and pulled me out. Someone asked me whether I was okay. “I’m fine,” I told them but my elbow was hurting and it felt like it was bleeding.

All the way, whenever I bumped into a pillar or the stairs, I had shouted to my team members behind me to warn them. So of course I warned my team that there was a drain and included the information that I had fallen in. Just so they won’t fall in and experience the trauma that I did.

My rival mortal, Suet Keit, near the starting point

After falling into the drain, I felt quite embarrassed because I didn’t know how many people saw me fall in and whether they thought it was funny. But I had to keep on walking because I could always hear Daniel and Dominique really close behind me. After the drain, I couldn’t guess where I was anymore because the string just seemed to go on and on and on. I brushed past quite a few plants and felt some trees and crossed some more drains successfully. I finally felt the string end in a knot and there was someone whispering for me to walk forward. I followed his instructions and then he told be to sit down. I knew I would be waiting for the rest, and I knew it was going to be a looong wait because I was the very first one. So I just sat there and tried to rest. Nothing better to do. It was then I realized again that my elbow was still hurting and I was quite sure by now the blood should have dried up. I didn’t think it would be so bad though, so I thought I’d wait for the OBH to be over and then go see the camp nurse.

After everyone was assembled, we still had our blindfolds on, of course, and random people were asked questions about how they felt during the OBH. Then we were told we could take off our blindfolds and we found that we were in the tennis court! LOL then we had like a debriefing and then back to our dorms.

The next day everyone woke up really late because everyone slept late hahaha. I slept quite early actually, compared to the others. While the others went to bed at 3, I was conked out by 1 something. I was really tired. That night, however, I got a note from my angel, which I knew had to be a substitute angel, because my angel had gone home. Haha

Because we all woke up so late, breakfast was at 8.30 instead of 8.00 like the previous days. Earlier on during the camp, Eunice had told me that I was playing keyboard for worship on the last day. The practice would be at 8.20, but with breakfast at 8.30, how were we going to practice? So Eunice changed it to 8.40 instead, so we could take our breakfast before practice.

By the time we went to the hall, it was 8.45. Setting up the stuff took a while so in the end we had less than 15 minutes of practice. And to make things worse, I didn’t know the first song. And to make things EVEN worse, the sound system we placed in such a way that the musicians actually can’t hear what the worship leader or anyone else is singing. We just had to receive orders from the worship leader. Jonathan who was playing the drums helped me with the intro for the first song, and Eunice helped me with like almost everything because I wasn’t used to the keyboard.

By the time the campers started coming in, I still wasn’t very sure exactly what I was supposed to play during the first song. I had a basic idea, but it’s not always enough. When the time came to play the first song, I just winged it and pressed whatever I thought was okay. Next was the camp song that we didn’t really practice, but I knew it by heart by then, so I guess it was okay. Then it was time for the slow songs. It was very confusing because of the key changes and the sound changes also. I messed up with the sound change actually and pressed the wrong buttons but somehow I managed to make it sound okay for Mighty To Save. I nearly forgot that the next song was in E and I switched key just in the nick of time because the worship leader started singing almost immediately. I was so relieved when it was over because then I could breathe easier.

When I came down from the stage and went over to my group, Daniel and Dominique, the 13 year old boys, started saying, “Wow Lester! You played so well!” I was like eeerrr really? Thank you hahahaha “Yeah,” Dominique continued, “I liked the first song! Very nice!” I was stunned. Seriously? The first song? I hardly even knew what I was pressing! Then I got a note from sub-angel again, and in her note, she said I played very well! Seriously? I mean, hearing two thirteen-year-old boys say it was okay I guess, but my angel saying that I played well was nice, especially since my angel turned out to be someone who played for worship, too. Though not at the camp because she was too busy doing committee stuff. Like watching me fall into the drain XD

All in all, I had a lot of fun during the camp. It was the first time since a looong time that I didn’t think back and regret doing something. It was like I lived life to the max and doing that for the first time in years was liberating. I didn’t feel scared of people anymore, I didn’t feel like I needed to suppress myself anymore, I didn’t feel like hiding myself from the world anymore.

Opening my group’s prize

It was also a rewarding experience. I mean, my team won! What more could I ask for? I learned so many things, too. It was like a suffusion of God-perspective into me, replacing my self-perspective that was so limited with something that caught the essence of the future and beyond.

Okay I know this post is like three weeks late, but at least I wrote right?

Exposé

It wasn’t much of a choice, but I knew being involved in the Easter presentation was going to be tough. Emotionally. I didn’t know exactly how–I just knew. And now, after my first practice, I’m starting to see the signs on it. It seems to be bringing out the worse in me–the hypocritical, arrogant, selfish me. It is unbearable, and yet it is uncontrollable. I feel like my whole being is slowly being peeled away to revealed an ugly truth. And I am not liking what I see.

Struggling to accept it, I break my own will to find a truth in the authoritative view. But no will ever breaks cleanly. A greed for creative control takes over me, and I spew out my worthy correction. But not so worthy. For I myself need correction, corrections beyond what I can control. I act rashly, I act childishly, but I act what I am. I respond angrily, denying my helplessness with fervor. But I am helpless.

Watch out. Self-exposé in progress.

The Cramp Story

Pause over. Hit the play button.

Today YPF had CZ outings and the boys went to Bukit Apek. Yes, the name is Apek. And yes we joked about it, saying oni apeks climb that hill. But our jokes turn into respect when we finished the climb, because seriously, the climb was SO tough. I am not exaggerating–it was a real challenge.

I’m telling you, it was crazy steep. Crazy crazy steep. Some parts were like climbing a wall, and some parts were like walking down a wall at 120 degrees. I am not kidding. And then there was a one part where we could just tumble down a huge open slope to our death. It was crazy.

So after the climb, we went back to Joseph’s house. From there, Joseph fetched Shaun, Ian, KH, and me to Shaun’s house. As I got out of the car, I thanked Joseph.

“Thank you Joseph! Can you open the boot?”

Joseph gave me the key and I passed it to Shaun (or was it Kheng Hsiang, I can’t remember) but I do remember feeling my toes go numb and out of position. It had already started doing that during the climb, but I thought nothing much about it because everyone said it was nothing.

So as I felt my fourth toe on my left leg go numb, I pulled my foot out of my shoe and tried to massage it. At the same moment, the fourth toe on my RIGHT foot went numb. So I pulled that foot out, too, to massage. So there I was, on the middle of the road, with my feet on the tar road, massaging my feet. I did not take my left foot out of my shoe completely, and it was at an angle.

All of a sudden, my left calf froze, piercing pain creeping in. I didn’t know what was going on–I had never experienced anything like this before (I thought my leg dislocated or something… LOL!).

I couldn’t stand, so I slowly lowered myself onto the ground, clutching my leg at the same time. The pain got worse and worse and I panicked even more.

Kheng Hsiang was standing right beside me watching calmly. I realized later that he has probably seen this type of things happen a million times and also probably experienced it countless times because he calmly remarked, “You’re having a cramp.”

I looked up at him in pain, “Uhuh?”.

“You need to straighten your leg,” he replied.

I was horrified, but because he was so calm about it, I trusted his orders.

“Yes, straighten your leg…” he encouraged as I slowly extended my leg. Then he bent down and took hold of my foot. “Now I’m going to push your foot towards you, ok?” I nodded quickly, bracing myself for another burst of pain.

Instead, the pain level stayed the same. But even though it still hurt, my calf somehow felt much better. It was then I had an epiphony–at these things, Kheng Hsiang is a PRO.

Joseph’s voice broke my moment of revelation, “Haha you’re sitting on the road.” I looked up and indeed I was! So Shaun and KH pulled me up to my feet and I limped into the house.

Uncle Yap and Aunty Sally were all over me at once.
“Are you Ok?”
“What happened?”
“Sit down, sit down!”
“Sit down here, don’t worry!”
“You have cramps?”
“Dear, should I go get deep heat?”
“I don’t know! I’m not medically trained!”
“Is it painful, Lester?”
“Want me to push your leg?”

So Uncle Yap starts pushing my leg. By now the pain had subsided, so it didn’t hurt that much when he pushed. I shifted to another chair, and Aunty Sally asked my to put my foot up on another chair. The chair had a cushion and I didn’t want to dirty the cushion, so I put my feet at the sides. But Aunty Sally said, “No it’s ok! Just put your feet.” Okaaayy.

My dad called and asked me whether he could come now to fetch me. I said, “Yes please!” Shaun came back with ice water for me. I asked where my bags were, and all three of them had been taken out of Joseph’s car for me.

Finally everything calmed down. I sat there, alone. And I began thinking. Why was everyone so nice to me? I felt so un-used to it. I didn’t feel deserving at all. I myself had not been caring like that. And here I was having kindness poured out like that. It did not make sense. But then it hit me. That was the way God worked. We don’t deserve it, but he still gives it. And it took a cramp to understand the concept. Wow Lester, I told myself, YOU are the apek one.

I heard a car drive up to the gate. “Your dad’s here!” Uncle Yap called. My legs felt fine, so I stood up and walked to the door. Uncle Yap was much faster though. He grab all three of my bags and brought them to the car, despite my protests.

All I could do was put my feet in my shoes and walk to the car. Easy right? Er, no.

As I slowly put on my shoe, my left leg tensed and froze. Oh dear, I thought, here we go again. I started to REALLY painful. I had no choice but to sit right down at their front door, blocking the entire doorway. As I sat down, my RIGHT leg cramped. Oh no, not BOTH legs. “Cramp!” I screamed and everyone came running.

Aunty Sally was the nearest. “Which foot?” she asked.

I looked at here in emabrrasment, “Both.”

She hesitated, “So…which one do I push?”

Oh dear. My right leg felt worse, so I pointed at it. She grabbed my right foot and asked, “Should I push?”

“Yes please!” I said, trying to hide my desperation. She started pushing and my leg slowly relaxed.

After a few minutes, she let go to look behind. What had been going was that Uncle Yap told my dad everything and opened the gate so my dad could reverse into the porch.

As Aunty Sally let go, the cramp came rushing back in. “Ow cramp!” I shouted. Aunty Sally started pushing again. By that time, my dad had gotten out of the car. He came around and started massaging my legs. This cramp was the worse  but I tried not to scream, pressing my arm into my mouth. As my dad massaged my leg, Aunty Sally went to get a deep heat cream. My dad started rubbing it in and it helped relax my legs.

When I finally felt good enough to get to the car, I thought maybe I could stand up and walk. But everyone else protested. So in the end…Uncle Yap, Aunty Sally, and my dad carried my into the car. How strange it must have looked.

On the way back, I felt so thankful to everyone who had helped me. And instead of feeling emo, I felt happy. I don’t know how it works, but spiritual things don’t always make sense.

When I reached home, I slowly walked to the sofa and rested for a good 20 minutes, while my dad massaged my legs for a while. Then I gathered enough to walk up the stairs to my room. I reached my room with no problems and got ready for my shower. Undressing was really easy, but after the shower, I could hardly dress myself and seriously, I felt like an orang cacat. I could hardly do anything without nearly feeling like my cramps were coming again.

Well I made it to the sabo, which I thought would be out of the picture because of the cramps. But the more I walked, the less the pain seemed to be. By the time I came home, I could almost walk normally.

Suddenly my eyes  were opened. Everything someone did looked like a effort worth thanking for. Thanking someone became such a natural thing. It wasn’t a new perspective, it was a God-perspective. It is the way it should be. After all, God gave the ultimate thing worth thanking for–His life. Once you have that mindset down pat, finding something to thank a person for is easy peasy. No need to think so hard anymore.

I was surprised at my ownself. Seriously Lester? You thanked Alvin for asking how your leg was? The thing is, I felt gratitude I didn’t know I was capable of. And all this? Because of a cramp. *speechless…

God works in mysterious ways.

Something Special

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMY!

YPF Mercy Project on Vimeo

For those who are lazy to download the whole video, you can watch it here: http://www.vimeo.com/2726012

I tried embedding it here but couldn’t. Oh well.